Throwing Like a Girl

Hell has no fire ...

2009-01-04T14:56:00.001-05:00

... hot enough to punish this son of a bitch.

La. father accused of killing son owed $4K

9 mins ago

NEW ORLEANS – A father accused of killing his 2-year-old son in New Orleans over child support apparently owed his estranged wife $4,000.

The boy's mother, Daniella Powell, said Sunday she didn't notice anything out of the ordinary when Danny Platt picked up the boy Friday for a weekend visit.

But a few hours later, she says Platt called her and told her that Ja'Shawn Powell had been kidnapped. She says Platt then gave her conflicting stories about how the boy was abducted.

Police say the 22-year-old Platt made up a story about his son being kidnapped and later confessed to the killing. He told authorities where to find the boy's body Saturday.

The boy's mother said Platt learned last month that he owed back child support.

Who have you had your fill of?

2009-01-03T16:45:00.004-05:00

E! Online has a poll asking which celebs should endure through 2009. Of course I took it, and my choices seemed to reflect the majority, with two exceptions:

1. I'm tired of Britney already. I'm glad the pieces of her life seem to be falling into place, and I hope she stays healthy and happy. But step outta the spotlight, girl!

2. Suri Cruise. She's cute as hell, but do we really need to know when she and her mom go to Toys 'R' Us? Or that she had her bangs trimmed? Even as much as I detest Brad and Angelina, their kids seem ... well, to be as normal as one could expect from flea-infested parents.

Here's more about people I want to see less of:

-- Paris Hilton. She's ugly as hell, and even more shallow.

-- Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. Who the fresh hell ARE these people? And why the fresh hell are they famous? Get them out of my magazines and off of my Internet and let them rot away like the stupid nobodies they are.

-- Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo. Who cares?

-- Tom Brady and what's-her-face. See above. Except I would like to see Brady publicly flogged for running out on his child. Now THAT I would pay good money to read!

-- Brad and Angelina. And Jennifer Aniston's name with theirs. How long has it been since they divorced? Let it go, people.

-- Amy Winehouse. My toilet backing up makes a more joyful noise. And does she remind anyone else of an ugly, nasty version of Janice from Friends? I don't care if she's flunking rehab. I don't care if her husband was arrested again ... and again. I. Don't. Care. Got it?

-- Madonna. I was tired of that cone-wearing trollop back in the '80s, even before "Like a Virgin." I've often wondered why she made it big and Cyndi Lauper didn't, especially since I think Cyndi could stretch $10 farther at a rummage sale. Shoot, I'd give Heidi Montag a break if she could bargain hunt. Maybe.

-- Tom Cruise. Would somebody give him some vitamins, already?!?

-- Anybody whose surname is "Lohan." I'm looking at you, Michael and Dina.

-- Pregnant celebs. It's as if the rest of us don't reproduce. (Jennifer Garner is one of the exceptions.) And enough of the magazine covers of people like Christina Aguilera and their newborn spawn. And speaking of Christina ...

-- Cutesy, puke-ass nicknames. Really, is it all that difficult to type a few more letters? Enough already with Xtina. LiLo, Speidi and RPattz. (The nickname on the latter, not the guy. One can never have too much Rob Pattinson.)

I'm sure I'll think of more as the year progresses ... and I'm sure I'll bore you to tears with them.

Happy 2009!

2009-01-01T12:31:00.005-05:00

Doesn't it seem like yesterday that everyone was bracing for the Y2K "disaster" that never came?

And here we are -- another New Year in its infancy. I'm not one for resolutions, but you're reading one of them. I resolve to get out my feelings more this year. They're disjointed, with no connection whatsoever, but here they are.

By this time next year I'll be the mother of an official driver-license-holding teenager, on her way to spreading her wings for independence. I've devoted so much of my being to this child that I'm not sure I'm ready for the empty nest.

She's beautiful, brilliant and sensitive -- exactly what this world needs for its future. Can I let her go? I don't know. She needs to be let go, and I hope and pray I'm not so selfish I can't let that happen. I love her fiercely. She's my life's joy.

I'm recovering from some funky stomach malady, so the first nibble of the day wasn't black-eyed peas and greens. I hope the New Year's gods can forgive this indiscretion and bless me with luck. It would be nice to win the lottery, but you have to play to win. If I can't swoop up on Powerball winnings, I hope I can at least keep my head above water this year.

My little dog isn't getting any younger. He's had eye and back problems this year. I wish him an easy, healthy year as we grow older together.

It's my fervent prayer that the economy pull out of this dismal slump. Uppermost in my mind, of course, is the fate of newspapers. So many good people have devoted their lives to the truth with very few monetary rewards. Please, for their sake -- for my sake, even -- don't let newspapers die. We're not perfect, but we're out there trying our damnedest to give the public an unbiased look at the events coloring their world. The same cannot be said of so many bloggers and citizen journalists, many of whom color themselves as objective but reveal their bent. Kind of like Faux News with a keyboard.

(And yes, I do realize I'm using a blog as my podium. I, however, make no claim to be a journalist here. This is where I blow off steam -- it's subjective, and I have no plans to change that.)

I have high hopes for our new POTUS. Barack Obama is no messiah, but he gives me optimism. New ideas are needed. The status quo is not working. I now count down the days to the end of the error -- a man neither elected by the people nor for the people.

Reading about the possibility of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner having a New Year's baby makes me smile. It's irrelevant to my daily life, but I think they're absolutely darling. So many times I've latched my hopes onto a Hollywood couple -- Brad and Jennifer, Reese and Ryan -- only to see it end in divorce. (I still haven't forgiven Brad for cheating with Angelina Whorlie.) I have faith in the Afflecks. They seem ... almost normal.

Why was Friends the last great sitcom? I love The Office, but there is still a void left by the six people who gathered in my living room every Thursday to make me laugh .. and cry. Though I've always loved Friends, I still mourn for the pre-Monica Chandler and the Joey who was dumb and lovable, not brain dead.

Of course, Jim Halpert does help ease the pain somewhat ... (Is he gorgeous or what?!?)

And speaking of guys who make you drool, I'd gladly be Rob Pattinson's cougar. Long or short hair, bald ... I don't care. Just in case anyone out there knows him and wants to pass the word ...

Happy New Year, everyone! Both of you.

Weighing in

2008-12-27T11:12:00.004-05:00

I dislike shopping at Wal-Mart. There are sundry reasons: The crowds, lack of personalized attention and service, jammed aisles, screaming kids (both of which are covered under "crowds" but deserve a category of their own."

Mostly, I dislike it because it's throwing money at a conglomerate that has more than its officials know what to do with. So they do what most haughty offiicials do: Make their employees' lives miserable with paltry wages and benefits and lower their prices so that any small business finds it impossible to compete.

The Evil Empire. The Great Satan. They all add up to Wal-Mart.

Yet I still shop there. I'm miserable the whole time I glide my shopping cart through its big-box interior and pay what's usually a three-figure amount at the register that I waited for two weeks to approach.

There's a reason: On my meager salary, it would be fiscally irresponsible of me not to try and save money anywhere I can. And in my town, unfortunately, Wal-Mart gives me the most bang for my buck.

My shopping habits have very little to do with what's been going on in my backyard this week.

Or do they?

Anyone who has opened a newspaper, flicked on a TV or clicked onto Yahoo! news knows about the coal-ash sludge that exploded in East Tennessee on Monday. A once-pristine area that looked over what I've always believed to be a nasty waterway is now nasty itself -- buried under tons of coal ash, a byproduct of the coal-burning Kingston TVA Fossil Plant.

My heart breaks for the families who have been displaced by this tragedy. Less than a week ago, these folks were making plans for the holidays -- only to find themselves displaced, their Christmases anything but merry.

The country turned its head at first -- then realized there was a goldmine underneath the talc-like chemicals that polluted the landscape and waterways in Roane County. The national media paraded in -- CNN, NBC, The New York Times.

The environmentalists also came. How could TVA allow this to happen? It's dangerous. Coal ash carries toxins. The ecosystem of the Tennessee River has been destroyed.

Bloggers, both locally and nationally, are also on their soapboxes of indignation. How could this happen? TVA is Satan. Oh, my god, they're working to unblock the railway to bring in more coal that will produce even more ash!

I love the environment. I refuse to litter, and I berate anyone who does in my presence. I grumble when my path along I-40 takes me past the fossil plant, especially in the colder months when discharges from the smokestacks are extremely visible. I've often wondered how clear the Tennessee, Emory and Clinch rivers would have been, had it not been for TVA and nearby Oak Ridge plants polluting them. I've been sickened when fishermen, obviously bothered by the visual, tell me about fish with oozing sores on them.

The environment near this steam plant hasn't been a mecca of cleanliness for some time, folks. Not in my lifetime, and probably not in my parents' lifetimes.

The reality is that TVA will continue to produce electricity at Kingston, and we'll continue to use it. It's like the Wal-Mart analogy: It's the cheapest way.

The computer I'm using at this precise moment is powered by TVA electricity, probably generated at the Kingston Fossil Plant. If you're in the South and reading this, your computer is probably powered likewise. The printer you used, if I'm vain enough to think you might have printed this off to share with a friend, is most likely powered by TVA energy.

A lot of the bloggers and environmentalists derailing TVA on the information superhighway are also using computers powered by TVA. They may have laptops with batteries, but those batteries are likely charged by ... yep.

Journalists in the area covering the story are also consuming TVA power. Their hotel rooms have electrical lights, TVs and, most likely, water heaters. That is, unless they're roughing it at a campground -- and I can't see NBC's correspondent sleeping in a pup tent, can you?

We're dependent on electricity -- TVA electricity. The only way to stop it is to call your power company and have them take off our meters. Our ancesters lived without electricity, but I doubt many of us would take the leap. I'll go ahead and be the first to admit that I'm not doing it.
There are cleaner way of producing electricity. Those methods, however, aren't affordable to most of us. And with the cleanup TVA is facing, my bet is that they're not affordable to the federal government, either.

(Of course, we know who will be paying for that. If you have any doubt, look in a mirror. It'll probably be on your next bill.)

I'll keep grumbling when I have occasion to drive by the smokestacks on I-40. And I'll continue to complain when I get my utility bill. But I like my computer, TV, washing machine and hot water too much to be proactive. And I'm too poor to go to solar or wind.

That's the Wal-Mart -- and TVA -- way.

I am heartbroken

2008-06-13T22:53:00.001-04:00

My first foray onto the Internet today, and this is the first thing I see.

I loved Tim Russert. His was the rare voice of reason in broadcast journalism. He loved his job and politics, and it mattered to him that people knew what was going on.

My heart, though heavy, goes out to his family and co-workers.

God bless you, Tim Russert. And thank you for the insight and raising the bar.

Real journalists? Pffft!

2008-05-12T12:13:00.003-04:00

OK, I'm pissed.

I just read a blog from a guy who was touting that he was a "real" journalist because his blog "broke a story." Then he chided an actual newspaper for "claiming to break the story.

Puhleeze.

The "story" that was broken was a link. No details -- just here it is, folks.

The newspaper, on the other hand, had a reporter who actually made phone calls and dug for facts. Furthermore, the reporter's name -- his REAL name -- was at the top of the story. Not some pseudonym or cutesy screen name to hide behind and to abandon when the heat's too hot in the kitchen.

I like blogs. Hell, here I am spouting off on one. And I won't deny for a minute that I'm using my own cutesy screen name.

Is this a news source? HELL NO. I'm not even going to pretend it is. It's my forum for letting it all out. Sometimes, I use it as a sounding board about current events. But breaking news on it? Hardly.

I've broken a few stories in my day -- using my name. My real name. Have I received criticism? Sure. If I put it on the line, I should take my licks like a big girl. In my real name.

There are some good blogging news sources. But there are more (and they're breeding like bunnies, folks) bad ones who want to play "journalist" without getting their hands dirty.

To give the devil his due, there are some bad journalists out there, too. (Jayson Blair or Jean Cooke, anyone?) But, believe it or not, they're a rarity.

Most journalists are underpaid and overworked. They care about getting the most accurate facts to you. They confront politicians on behalf of you.

Sometimes, what looks like a good news story just doesn't have the facts behind it to come together. The reputable journalist will recognize that. His real name and reputation are on the line, after all.

OK, this is disjointed and in all likelihood, not my best work. But there it is. And even without my real name on it, I'll take my licks.

After all, I'm on both sides.

I Will Always Love You

2007-10-29T00:59:00.000-04:00

"Have you ever met anyone famous?"

That question was among one I answered on a MySpace survey a few days ago. I answered, "yep," with no explanation. I've met several famous people over the years, but the one I thought of initially was the first one I met.

I was in seventh grade on a field trip at Opryland when I caught my first and only real-life glimpse of Porter Wagoner. The rhinestone-laden suit, with sequined wagon wheels, were over the top in my young mind as the steely blue-eyed Wagonmaster, with brilliant, combed-back blond hair, weaved through us throngs of youngsters who were more interested in the Wabash Cannonball ride than the man who helped make Dolly Parton on her way to international fame.

I didn't ride the Wabash that day. And the image of Porter Wagoner never left me.

On Sunday, Porter Wagoner died at the age of 80. I knew death was imminent when it was announced on Friday that he had gone into hospice care. But I wasn't ready for it to be this soon.

I cannot claim to be a Wagoner fan. I know he was the face of the Opry over the past several years, but I didn't follow him closely. His face, however, is one of the etchings in my memory from childhood. Watching "The Porter Wagoner Show" on Saturday afternoons was what one did in rural East Tennessee in the 1960s and 1970s.

One of my earliest memories is of watching Porter and Dolly on my aunt's tiny black-and-white TV. They sang together and hawked Black Draught and other products. (I can still hear Dolly extolling the virtues of Cardui.) And I remember Speck Rhoads, the comedy relief for the show. Can't remember a darned thing he said, but the man deserves a nod for the Comedy Hall of Fame for simply wearing that bowler hat and loud plaid suit in public. It actually made Porter's garb look ... well, kind of normal.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqmyfQDN6ik

In Dolly's autobiography, she reveals that her song, "I Will Always Love You," was written for Porter. That, in my opinion, makes it all the more poignant.
If I should stay
Well, I would only be in your way
And so I'll go, and yet I know
That I'll think of you each step of my way
And I will always love you
I will always love you

Bitter-sweet memories
That's all I have, and all I'm taking with me
Good-bye, oh, please don't cry
cause we both know that I'm not
What you need
I will always love you
I will always love you

And I hope life, will treat you kind
And I hope that you have all
That you ever dreamed of
Oh, I do wish you joy
And I wish you happiness
But above all this
I wish you love

I love you, I will always love
I, I will always, always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you
Source: LyricsFreak

Rest in peace, Wagonmaster.

Listen ...

2007-10-24T06:48:00.000-04:00

Hear that? That muted, sleep-seducing noise you hear is rain.

Yes, indeed! Precipitation has returned to East Tennessee, and it's a glorious thing!

What a beautiful day it's going to be ...

With apologies to William Penn

2007-10-14T08:40:00.001-04:00

I have a love-hate relationship with the AP Stylebook. It's my work bible.

Looking for shorthand for "until"? It's not "til." It's "till." I can back that up with Stylebook passage.

I'm well-versed in it, but like most followers, I still uncover surprises. And Norm, the AP god who deigns what is proper and improper in The Book for its annual publication, sometimes changes his mind. It drives me mad when he does that.

Here's an example: For years, Norm declared that "fund raising" was two words; "fundraiser," however, was one. Until 2005, when the AP god wed "fund" to "raising" and decreed it one word.

(I still wonder why it took him years to merge the words "teen" and "ager" to make one word. I think he finally did it when he realized that every editor, including me, ignored his edict and blended them anyway. Like some Christians, we editors can become rather cafeteria-minded when it comes to what we want to believe.)

One place I won't deviate, however, is in the case of state abbreviations. Norm, not the U.S. Postal Service, has it right. It's "Tenn.," not "TN" for my state of domicile. "Ohio" should be spelled out in its entirety (come on, people; it's only two more letters. Are we really that lazy?)

In one instance, USPS and Norm are in complete concert. "Pennsylvania," according to both PTB, is abbreviated "Pa."

I once had an editorial assistant who abbreviated it "Penn." It set my teeth on edge. We went round and round. I flung The Book at her, showing her the correct passage. She'd smile and nod ... then abbreviate it "Penn." the next time. Grrrrrrr.

So you can see why my teeth were set on edge when I read the article about the passing of Werner von Trapp, one of the von Trapps from Sound of Music fame. As I read about his life, I came across the following:

After the Trapp Family Singers retired, von Trapp helped to found a music school in Reading, Penn., called the Community School of Music.

I don't even remember the rest of the article. I stumbled on that abbreviation and choked.

Do I even have to mention the article's source? The Associated Press. Yes -- the one and the same. The one that cuts Norm his paycheck for being its deity and editing its holy grail that we, the lowly editors of newspapers, must adhere.

What kind of editors are looking over AP copy? In my not-so humble opinion, the answer is either A) None; or B) Ones who suck.

Furthermore, why aren't the reporters checking their abbreviations? State abbreviations are taught in Copy Editing 101.

Go get 'em, Norm!

AFK ... or, It's Always #$%@^% Hot in Tennessee

2007-10-07T14:22:00.000-04:00

I realize I've been neglecting my blogging duties. I hate it, too. I actually enjoy sharing my thoughts and views with all two of my readers.

Life, however, has intervened. It's brought some surprises, some pleasant, some not so pleasant, and one that totally caught me offguard.

The not so pleasant first: That feeling I've had in my gut for months turns out to be physical. Pending the results of an ultrasound, there may soon be less of me as some surgeon gets the opportunity to wield his laser-surgery thingy and extract my gallbladder. With all the misery the damned thing has been causing me (if it is indeed that), I'd let him take it now. I sure as heck don't want it anymore.

The Girl is growing up way too fast for me. Now in high school, she's exploring her career options and, to my consternation, is exploring a profession very close to mine. I've guided her away from this field all her life, only to find her attracted to it. Sigh.

I helped chaperone her and 60-something teens to a band competition yesterday. It was hotter than seven hells in July. I wound up getting sick during their performance and sought solace in a shady area until sundown.

Personally, I have never thought a band festival was a place to take a date. Apparently, The Ex is not of a like mind, for he squired his latest to the one and same. It was my first look at her. And -- I'm cuter and look younger! Ha! I was even cuter with my sweaty hair, pulled back oh-so-unelegantly in a ponytail with strands falling unevenly around my face. And that's the end of this oh-so-mature and meow moment.

My good friends (and you know who you are) can read all about the offguard thing if you e-mail me. :)

I'll try to do better here. Promise!

Hogwarts revisited

2007-09-23T22:32:00.000-04:00

I have read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows twice in the past two months -- the first time, of course, I started the night of it was released and devoured it in about a day.

I then put it aside for awhile, and then picked it back up to read at a leisurely pace. The end made me want to go over Half-Blood Prince again, so I read it.

Today, I decided to start all over again. So I'm halfway through Sorcerer's Stone. As I read, it occurs to me there are a lot of questions still left unanswered. Such as:

What happens to a wizard's/witch's wand when they die?
If underage wizards and witches aren't allowed to perform magic outside school, why was Lily Evans never busted for "turning teacups into rats," as Petunia tells Harry upon the revelation of the latter learning he is a wizard? (Page 53.)
Why was it that Ron couldn't perform simple spells with his broken wand in Chamber of Secrets, but Hagrid, whose wand was broken in two upon his expulsion from Hogwarts, is able to give Dudley a pig's tail and make boats move on their own with the pieces of his wand, stashed in a pink umbrella?
Furthermore, if the Ministry of Magic does, in fact, monitor magic, why have they never caught Hagrid performing magic?

I'm sure there are more questions forthcoming as I continue to read.

Speechless

2007-09-23T22:28:00.000-04:00

I swear, I thought he was already dead.

PARIS - Marcel Marceau, the master of mime who transformed silence into
poetry with lithe gestures and pliant facial expressions that spoke to
generations of young and old, has died. He was 84.

The Evil Empire, indeed

2007-09-11T14:24:00.000-04:00

Wal-Mart is Satan.

The mom in this situation is a helluva lot nicer than me. I would have kicked the security guard's balls up to his ears. Soprano would have been a few octaves too low for his voice after I finished.

Gotta love The Consumerist's tag on it, though I think "douche bag" is a bit too gentle.

Dudes, c'mon ...

2007-09-10T08:31:00.000-04:00

... it's Pamela Anderson you're fighting over. I mean, seriously, ewwwwww.

Forget the tramp and move on.

Tommy Lee, Kid Rock brawl at VMAs

From one single mom to another ...

2007-09-10T07:39:00.001-04:00

You go, girl!

Britney Spears has struck some nerves. And I like it.

Usually, she gets on my last nerve, too. I miss the cute Brit who made videos in pigtails and had us wondering if she had breast-augmentation surgery at 17. Her appearance on SNL was classic!

Believe me, I'm the first to jump on the bandwagon bashing Ms. Spears. Her parenting skills -- what does it say about you when the world is rooting for KFed to get custody? The head shaving (dumb) ... the umbrella wielding (stupid) ... the extensions (are you kidding me?).

However, I won't deny her name has drawing power. So in a marketing move that should be surprising to nobody, they signed her to open this year's VMAs.

I didn't see it. I don't want to, and not just because it's The Slutty Ms. B. I despise those shows, period. I saw her with the snake wrapped around her years ago, and who could forget the Madonna kiss? (Anyone remember she also kissed Christina Aguilera? That seems to be forgotten in the telling.)

All those clips were shown ad nauseum on the news the next day. I'm sure if I bothered to switch on the TV right now, I'd find footage of the black-sparkly-bra-and-panty-clad Ms. B prancing around on stage.

What brings me to her defense, however, are two of her detractors, via E! News:

"I can’t believe she would perform. She hasn’t had a hit record in years," a slighted-sounding Kanye West, whose eagerly anticipated Graduation drops Tuesday, said Saturday night at a Rolling Stone party. "Maybe my money's not right. Maybe my skin's not right."

Memo to Mr. West: Maybe your name's not Britney Spears! While I might -- and that's a big might -- turn on the TV to check out Brit, I wouldn't walk across the street to see you in person. For free. And it's not the color of your skin OR your money. I think you're an asshole. Period.

While I have heard of Brit, the first time I ever heard of you was when you made an ass of yourself during that benefit for Katrina. It's too bad the only way you can earn name recognition is by spewing controversy.

Then there's his opening statement. The Beatles haven't had a hit record in years, either. When you're an icon, it doesn't matter. When you're a nobody, you gotta grab headlines any way you can.

And now it's time for the second detractor:

The Foo Fighters' Dave Grohl wasn't exactly waiting with bated breath, either.
"You know those things that you put batteries in and they just vacuum the floor without anyone touching them? That’s what I think of Britney Spears," said the rocker, whose band held court at the cleverly named Hotel Party #3,562, where they performed their new tune, "The Pretender ...

I'm not an advocate of censoring, but the Foo Fighters' stand on AIDS prompted me to ban their music and videos from my house. At least Brit's not spewing falsehoods that could cost her fans their lives. Go fuck yourself.

So keep singing, Ms. B. But ease up on the partying and put your kids in child-restraint seats in the car. And, for God's sake, put on some clothes! You can afford it.

Give her a break

2007-08-31T07:30:00.000-04:00

Camilla, Duchess of Corwall, bowed out of the service marking the 10th anniversary of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales.

I loved Diana. She was like a kindred spirit. I mourned her death and subjected my family to way too much CNN in the subsequent week. I taped her funeral. Weeks later, The Girl's father did one of the most touching things of our relationship when he braved the crowds to pick up a copy of Elton John's "Candle in the Wind 1997," reworked to bid farewell to England's Rose.

In the 10 years since, Diana's boys have become adults, her ex (Prince Charles to the rest of us) married his longtime mistress, and her sons have done what numerous other youngsters across the globe do every day -- accept their father's choice for a mate, and make her part of the family.

That included inviting her to their mother's memorial service.

I know the sordid story of Diana vs. "The Rottweiler." (Tampon, anyone?) And the truth of the matter is, it's history.

Diana's dalliances seem to have been forgiven. Indications are that Diana herself forgave her former husband before her death. And truthfully, had stodgy royal convention allowed Charles to act on his feelings decades ago, he most likely would have married Camilla then and been living happily. As would Diana, in a life of probable obscurity.

But the future king of England sacrificed happiness for country and a young girl was given her fairy tale wedding. But instead of living happily ever after, the Princess was cast into a loveless marriage, suffered scandalous headlines worldwide when both were accused of and later confirmed infidelities and other problems that led to their divorce, and died in a speeding car driven by a drunken driver in a Paris tunnel.

So much for happily ever after.

Diana's sons have hit bumps along the way, but I think she'd be proud of the way they have grown up. They have memorialized their mother this summer and planned her service today, inviting their stepmother to spend that special time with them.

If Diana's boys can be gracious and accepting -- and yes, most likely love -- Camilla, why can't the rest of the world forgive her transgressions? It was, after all, at their invitation that she planned to attend the service.

Aren't their feelings the ones that should matter? Especially on the day that they mourn their mother's tragic passing?

If they wanted Camilla at their side while they honored their mother (and they obviously did), the British media and Diana's friends should shut the hell up and let them have it. It's their service, after all, for their mother. Apparently, Prince William and Prince Harry are mature beyond the tabloids and Rosa Monckton.

For that, I think, Diana would be proud.

The Worst Day of the Year

2007-08-17T22:06:00.000-04:00

Yep. It's today.

I almost ran out of gas on the way to work. I love my car, but like everything else in my life, it's got its quirks. Its most major one is that my gas tank can be virtually empty and the needle on the gas gauge points to a quarter of a tank.

Or more, as it was doing this morning. But when it gets low, the car starts sputtering. People on I-40 don't like it when sputtering cars are sharing their road. One trucker particularly didn't like it. He can kiss my ass.

After making a stop I wasn't necessarily planning to make and driving about a mile out of my way to get 3 gallons of gas, the car was happy. But I was late for work. Not good.

We were two people short in our department today. One of them was the supervisor. Guess who's the supervisor when the supervisor's not around?

Everyone in this county who ever thought the newspaper might be interested in their story showed up at my doorstep today. Most days, that's OK. Today it wasn't.

I had two jobs to perform today -- mine and the supervisor's. My end wasn't looking so good. Then the proverbial shit hit the fan. Major story. Must get in the paper ASAP. Must have already-stretched-thin staff on the story. Now.

After a few hours in the scorching heat, the already-stretched-thin staff straggles back in from newsgathering to put their work together. That's when my Very Loud Co-worker decided to pump it into high gear. Only this time she was joined by her dickhead friend.

Blahblahblahblahblahblah ... And so it went. Louder. And Louder. AND LOUDER. The already-stretched-thin staff was having trouble concentrating over their chatter. I was having trouble concentrating. So, I did what any quasi-supervisor would do. I got up, went to their Corner 'o Chat, explained what was going on, and asked them to keep it down.

Very Loud Co-worker was sincerely apologetic. I thought it was classy of her.

Dickhead said, in his most sarcastic voice, "Oh, we're sorry."

He can kiss my ass, too. No, wait. I don't want him anywhere near my ass. He can go fuck himself. With a white-hot fork. The size of a pitchfork. Sideways. Up his ugly anus. (Can you tell I really don't like this guy?)

Today was shitty all on its own, but it was destined to be that way.

Had she lived, today would have been my mother's 64th birthday.

Her birthday is always hard for me. It's when I miss her most.

So many things were left unresolved between us. There's no way, barring recovery from the mental illness that eventually led her to take her life, that things could have been resolved.

In the last few years of her life, our roles had changed. I was the mother, reminding her to take her medicine and keep her psychiatric appointments. She was the meek child with good intentions she rarely carried out.

I have yet to grieve for her properly. I have yet to shed a tear. I planned the funeral. Picked out the coffin and her attire. Chose the spray of flowers adorning her casket. Arranged for the pallbearers because her lazy-assed nephews couldn't be bothered with it. Made sure Daddy had his Xanex so he could get through the service. Held my daughter as she weeped for the grandmother who would never see her graduate from high school or attend her wedding. Drove all over East Tennessee shopping for funeral attire for both of us.

It's seldom slowed down since. I miss my mother on the anniversary of her death and major holidays, and I travel 60 miles from here each Memorial Day to place flowers on her grave. But it's her birthday -- the anniversary of the day she drew her first breath -- that I mourn her.

Happy birthday, Mommy. I love you.

Another weekend with Harry

2007-07-29T12:17:00.000-04:00

After spending last weekend learning about Harry Potter's fate, The Girl and I stepped out yesterday to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

We were not alone. Apparently, a number of East Tennesseans cloistered themselves last weekend with Deathly Hallows before checking out Harry on the Big Screen.

The Girl and I had both heard reviews among our friends about how disappointed they were. I'm glad to report that our experience was the extreme opposite. Order of the Phoenix is probably my least favorite book of the series, but the movie, I was delighted to note, probably is the most true to the book. In that regard, I think Phoenix is probably my favorite movie.

Notable differences:

-- Hermione introduces our boys to Luna Lovegood. In the book, it's Ginny who has that honor. (Anyone ever notice that Hermione gets these little gimmes in the movies?)

-- Mad-Eye Moody incurs the wrath of Tonks by referring to her as "Nymphadora." Lupin uttered her hated given name in the book. Lupin's absence at 4 Privet Drive is also conspicuous.

-- No mention of the kinship between Tonks, Sirius, the Malfoys and Bellatrix was given.

-- In the scene following Arthur Weasley's attack, Dumbledore sends the portraits in his office to their respective places with no mention of who they are or why. (Phineas Black was dispatched to the Order's HQ, while another former headmaster whose name escapes me was sent to St. Mungo's.)

-- No St. Mungo's. I was chomping at the bit to see the inside of that place.

-- Kreacher is afforded a couple of cameos. In the book, Kreacher's role is pivotal.

-- The Swamp. The Weasley twins created it upon their departure from Hogwarts, and the professors let it stand for ages. Flitwick, when he does get around to removing it, retains a corner of it in honor of Fred and George. In the movie, our favorite twins go out with a bang sans swamp. I was much disappointed.

-- Cho Chang is the snitch. (No, not *that* snitch.) I dislike Cho, but she didn't rat out Dumbledore's Army. That dishonor was left to her friend. And speaking of which, I would have LOVED to have seen Hermione's spell of carving SNITCH into the forehead of the one who squealed. The bewitching of the Dumbledore's Army list -- and the coins -- were among Hermione's most clever actions in the series.

-- Weasley is our King. NOT. You're still going to have to sing that ditty in your head, because there is no Quidditch in Phoenix.

-- Where are the prefects? They're Ron and Hermione in the book but nonexistent in the movie.

OK, so there are differences. But I still liked Phoenix. Some pluses:

-- Luna Lovegood. I had my doubts when I saw the actress tapped for this role, but she carried off Luna perfectly. Kudos!

-- Daniel Radcliffe. His acting in the past has fallen short, but Phoenix is his shining moment. He's not going to win the Oscar, but the improvement in his craft is marked.

-- Michael Gambon. His Dumbledore gets better and better. I wonder if Richard Harris could have pulled off the fight in the ministry as well. Kudos to a Dumbledore who kicks ass!

-- Alan Rickman. Nobody, but nobody, could be a better Snape. The man is gold. My only minus is that he is sorely underused. More Snape, please!

-- Helena Bonham Carter. Wow. Bellatrix is pure evil, and Carter leaves no doubt of that.

-- Gwamp. Love him. And Robbie Coltrane as Hagrid is always a delight.

--Umbridge. Bitchiness at its finest. My only disappointment is the actress portraying her is too pretty. A bitch, yes. But toadlike? Hardly.

All done!

2007-07-22T15:21:00.000-04:00

As of 4 a.m., I finished all 759 pages of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

It's been a different weekend. I've been away from the computer, except for playing a few games of Word Whomp, because I was terrified I would turn up spoilers.

I won't spoil it for any who haven't read it yet. Some things were unexpected; others I predicted. Reading well-written text is a joy, and Rowling doesn't disappoint.

There. That's it for a while. Have fun reading the book. And if you're not reading it, READ!

You won't be disappointed.

Damn ...

2007-07-12T20:02:00.000-04:00

Not that I expected it, but ... damn.

Orlando Bloom Says He Won't Get Naked Onstage

On the other hand, anyone have a cardigan I can borrow?

John Krasinski: I'm Looking for the 'Girl in a Cardigan'

Itchy teeth

2007-07-10T07:42:00.000-04:00

... and gag reflex fully at work. From the Knoxville News Sentinel:

Smithers, an inmate trustee, fled from jail sometime after 4:30 p.m. Sunday, according to Monroe County Sheriff’s Detective Jennifer Bledsoe.

Wrong! Smithers is actually an inmate trusty. To wit:

trust·y (trŭs'tē) Pronunciation Key
adj. trust·i·er, trust·i·est
Meriting trust; trustworthy. See Synonyms at reliable.
n. pl. trust·ies
1. A convict regarded as worthy of trust and therefore granted special privileges.
2. A trusted person.

Source: American Heritage Dictionary via Dictionary.com

A trustee, in case anyone was wondering, is:

trus·tee (trŭ-stē') Pronunciation Key
n.
1. Law One, such as a bank, that holds legal title to property in order to administer it for a beneficiary.
2. A member of a board elected or appointed to direct the funds and policy of an institution.
3. A country responsible for supervising a trust territory. See Usage Note at -ee

1. v. trus·teed, trus·tee·ing, trus·tees
v. tr.
To place (property) in the care of a trustee.
v.
intr. To function or serve as a trustee.

Source: American Heritage Dictionary via Dictionary.com

A good rule of thumb that I learned at a workshop has turned out to be one of the best pieces of advice I've heard in regard to writing: Look up any word you haven't used in six months before putting it in your text.

It works. Trust me.

"Succeeding is the most important thing"

2007-07-10T07:10:00.000-04:00

The above quote was uttered just minutes ago by Dubya mouthpiece Tony Snow in an interview with Matt Lauer on "Today."

Think about it: Succeeding is the most important thing. (Emphasis mine.)

That's why I could never be in PR. There is no way in good consciousness, no matter how much the White House was paying me, I could stand up on national television and tell people who have lost children, parents, spouses, siblings and other loved ones in this insipid war that succeeding is the most important thing.

Snow, with his blinders snug in place, assured Lauer that troop withdrawal is not an option. Of course it isn't -- his boss and the Veep, better known as Bush's boss -- refuse to acknowledge that they, in simple layman's terms, fucked up. We have no business in Iraq. Saddam was crazy -- there's no doubt about that -- but those WMD and ties to bin Laden? Nonexistent.

(Remember bin Laden, the real bad guy? The asshole who ordered jets flown into American landmarks, killing American people? I remember him -- but I don't think the POTUS does. The Veep doesn't remember, either -- after all, how could Halliburton profit if they go after him?)

Cindy Sheehan has the right idea: Impeach the motherfuckers. It's high time we showed them whose government is -- and whose interest it was put in place to serve.

How to waste time without really trying

2007-07-09T07:56:00.000-04:00

Still showing their stupidity ... and wasting money:

When they weren't making laws, lawmakers passed around praise
By JESSICA FENDER
Staff Writer
Tennessee lawmakers sponsored more resolutions than
anything else this legislative session, lauding people like pop star Justin Timberlake and expressing solidarity with a Turkish religious movement, among other endeavors.
A Tennessean review of more than 6,000 records shows that 42 percent of all measures filed were resolutions with no force of law.
And while not all passed — Timberlake didn't, religious freedom in Turkey did — the drafting of such "memorial" resolutions cost about $70,000, by staff estimates.
Most resolutions honored local teachers, soldiers, sports teams, administrators or students for outstanding achievement.
Among them was Hendersonville Christian Academy valedictorian Jamie Wallmark, 17, who earned a
4.125 grade point average.
Being honored on the Senate floor meant a lot, she said, especially because she knows lawmakers are busy.
Resolutions cost time, money But lawmakers' busy agendas are precisely the problem when it comes to penning a deluge of resolutions, said John Summers, a lobbyist and Metro councilman who represents part of west Nashville.
While most are quickly dispatched, they can still "grind business to a halt," said Summers, who said
the Metro Council had a similar problem in the past.
"Clearly there are individuals that deserve recognition," he said. "And clearly there are some
resolutions that are there for political purposes by the sponsor."
About 100 of the 1,699 resolutions filed established study committees, ratified the legislature's rules or made a first step toward amending the state Constitution.
Rep. Tom DuBois, R-Columbia, introduced 167 congratulations, memorials and proposals to rename stretches of highway — the most by far of any legislator.

Potpourri

2007-07-08T08:38:00.000-04:00

John Mark Karr has been arrested for battery, apparently stemming from an argument with his girlfriend.

Girlfriend? HELLO?!?

How desperate are you for a man if you think hooking up with this deviant is a good idea? I can hear it now ... "I know he confessed to brutally killing a little girl in Colorado, and he married two teenagers -- one of them 13 -- and he's been arrested for possession of child pornography, and he's been known to have a weird penchant for young girls ... but Daddy, I LOVE HIM!"

Ewwwwwwwww ... I think I need a shower now.

***

I don't give a damn how much John Edwards pays for a haircut, and I don't know why anyone else does.

The man is stinking rich! If he wants to spends $1,250 or more for a coiffure, go for it. It's not like he's taking food out of the mouths of starving babes. And, hey, it beats the hell out of spending more money than either Edwards or I will see in our lifetimes on a war with a country that has nonexistent weapons of mass destruction. Note: The latter is funded with taxpayer money, while Edwards' high-dollar haircuts are not.

It's not how I'd spend my money, but, hey, it's not my money. And he does have good hair. It's better than Rudy or Fred's. Hell, it's better than Hillary's -- and I like Hillary.

***

Congrats to Eva Longoria and Tony Parker. Now go away.

You got married yesterday. So what? Lots of other folks did, too. You're no Charles and Diana -- or Charles and Camilla, for that matter.

Remember, Charles and Diana had "the wedding of the century" and later divorced. My money's on the same fate for you.

***

Does anybody really care that Clay Aiken got into a tussle with a woman on an airplane?

***

Anyone who hears me speak knows I have a Mouth from the South. If you haven't heard me, think Clay Aiken or John Edwards. We have very similar dialects.

Not only does my Mouth from the South carry that lilt, it also, at no warning, will refer to you as "honey," "sweetie" or "dear." In the South, that's as involuntary as breathing. The staff at work from time to time have all been one of the above. Heck, I even STILL call The Ex "honey."

I bet Jan Hicks does and did, too. Unfortunately, the former assistant district attorney was censured by the Board of Professional Responsibility for referring to a judge as "honey."

I'm unfamiliar with Hicks both personally and by reputation, but I sympathize with her. I know such terms of endearment could be perceived badly in a courtroom setting. But come on! This isn't "Law and Order." It's the South -- it's Tennessee.

And honey, it's just the way we talk.

At peace

2007-07-06T08:41:00.000-04:00

July 5 has come and gone, and Tommy didn't visit.

I can draw only one conclusion: He's at peace.

Tommy was my cousin -- rather, he was my mother's cousin. Their mothers were sisters. Tommy, however, was closer in age to me.

From the moment he grew tall enough to reach a gas pedal, Tommy was a frequent visitor to our house. Mom served as something of a surrogate parent to him. He sought her advice while reserving the right to take it.

Two of those times he went against her stick out in my mind. He had barely turned 18 when he decided to join the Army. One week at Fort Jackson, however, quickly made him how sage Mom's advice had been. He called and wrote letters, begging Mom to find him a ticket out.

Of course, she did. She and others worked to prove how Tommy was the only help his elderly mother had. His mother doesn't drive, and to this day she lives a sad existence in a little house in my hometown. Tommy, who had become quite adept behind the wheel, promised to help out his mom any way he could.

He was as good as his word after the Army granted his hardship discharge. Not wanting to completely bail on Uncle Sam, he chose to stay in the National Guard and cherished those weekends once a month and the yearly training that were part of his commitment.

Which brings us to another incident when Tommy chose to shrug off Mom's sage advice. One day, he was accompanied on his visit by a shy, brunette girl. That girl, he declared, was the one he planned to marry.

His betrothed was a sweetie, but Mom knew that a marriage at their ages would be doomed. Tommy, however, would not be denied his brown-eyed beauty, and they exchanged vows a short time later.

In mere months, Mom's prediction came true. Tommy was shattered. He vowed to win back his bride and, to her credit, she tried. She was often with him when he visited, but never were they to live under the same roof again as husband and wife.

On July 5, 1979, I was with Mom and my sister en route to my grandmother's when a radio broadcast was interrupted. There was a horrific auto accident south of town. A car was involved in a head-on collision with a coal truck. No names were available but, in a rare move for the veteran newscaster, he reported that both occupants of the car were dead.

We barely got in Grandma's door when the phone rang. It was Tommy's mother, and what she was saying was impossible. Tommy -- her baby boy, the closest thing Mom ever had to a son and the cousin my sister and I looked to as an older brother of sorts -- was dead.

He was only 21 years old.

A friend driving a powder-blue Ford Maverick had stopped by to pick Tommy up early in the morning. They were planning to go south of town to look for ginseng -- "sang diggin'," as my grandmother called it -- in an attempt to make some big bucks from herbalists who view the root as gold. Back en route to town, the friend decided to pass a slow-moving car in front of them. Unfortunately, he was on a curve, and he and Tommy likely only saw the coal truck that hit them only seconds before their lives ended.

It was my first closed-coffin funeral. A portrait of Tommy in his National Guard dress uniform sat on the coffin. That was, I think, the reason I couldn't accept that Tommy was gone.

I didn't sleep for days. I looked for Tommy to come in, roll his eyes and tell us how silly the authorities were to believe it was him in that car.

I held on to that fantasy as Mom helped his mother sort through the legal tangles of his estate -- left messy because of his tender age and the fact that he left a widow who was legally his wife but hadn't lived with him for almost a year. I looked for Tommy every time a car pulled into our drive.

It never was him.

Then, as July 5, 1980, dawned, a strange thing happened. Tommy made his presence known that day. I can't remember exactly how, but I knew he was with me that day.

It happened again and again -- each time on July 5. The most memorable is July 5, 1984. I had been expecting Tommy all day, but he so far was a no-show. Maybe it was because I was in Florida with friends, I thought.

I was padding along a deserted beach on the Gulf after dark when I began hearing footsteps echo with my own. I stopped many times and looked for someone behind me, only to find a beach vacant except for my presence.

Then it dawned on me: Today is July 5. I smiled, flush with peace. I knew who was with me. We walked along that beach -- Tommy and me -- for several minutes before one of my friends showed up. I was disappointed -- for Tommy, three was a crowd.

I received a few more annual visits from Tommy. Then, on July 5, 1989, they abruptly stopped.

That has left me bittersweet. After pondering on it for a while, I came to the conclusion that Tommy had made it to the other side and found the peace that for some reason had eluded him. I've often wondered if it was because Tommy was taken so young -- that he had been denied the life that was in front of him, so he came back once a year to claim just a scrap of it. I'll always be grateful that it was me he chose to share those moments with.

I'm thankful he's at peace, but I miss him. On July 5, and every day.

He didn't visit this year. And though I know in my heart he won't next year, I'll still be looking.

My home and heart are open any time he decides to drop by.

I'm in love!

2007-07-05T08:30:00.000-04:00

With my new grill.

I spent a good part of my holiday putting it together. And it works! Without explosions! Yay me!

So, naturally, we used it to prepare dinner on last night. It was just hot dogs (The Girl's choice), but they were spectacular!

Afterward, we lounged outside with King o' the Pekes. He developed an affinity for ice; it was hilarious giving it to him, then watching him treat it like -- well, a doggie treat.

We bought a few fireworks. (Unfortunately, they were out of my favorites -- sparklers.) We had a grand display in our little corner of the world -- the neighbors did their fireworks at the same time. One of them spared no expense, so we got to see some of the huge splashes of light from our front lawn.

It was one of the best Fourths I remember in a long time. Good food, good company, and the weather couldn't have been more cooperative. I hope your holiday was just as great.

On a side note: The Girl has a boyfriend. Hold me.

Why am I not surprised?

2007-07-05T08:00:00.000-04:00

To quote Gilbert Gottfried, in Iago mode: "That's incredible ... I think I'm going to have a heart attack and die from that surprise."

Insert eyeroll here.

Legislature leans to the mundane
Session is noted more for tweaks than overhauls
By JESSICA FENDER Staff Writer
Tennessee lawmakers spent about a third of their efforts this lengthy legislative session rewriting city charters, changing the way plumbers are licensed and mulling
other similarly narrowly focused rule changes, records show.
The volume of approved housekeeping bills overshadowed the number of successful education, crime and transportation proposals combined, according to a Tennessean analysis of more than 6,000 pieces of legislation filed this session.

Lawmakers say they have a responsibility to oversee every facet of the state — no matter how small — and constituents often directly request the seemingly minor tweaks to government rules.
Political analysts of the academic and armchair varieties alike say the 23-week legislative session, which cost the state $2.3 million, yielded few major initiatives outside of a 42-cent cigarette tax increase that took effect Sunday.
And some voters worry that lawmakers tinkered with local governments, licensing boards, public employee benefits and the like at the expense of bigger-picture issues.
Gallatin headhunter Frank Greggs, 66, wanted officials to focus more attention on immigration and open government reform.
There "are local issues that are dear to my heart, but I go to city hall for that," Greggs
said. "The big thing for me is that the legislature do what's good for the masses."
Crime was a top issue. About 12 percent of successful bills addressed crime, including some touching on illegal immigration. Nine percent addressed transportation issues, and an additional 8 percent focused on education.
That's compared with 30 percent dealing with the way government governs.
The newspaper analyzed data provided by Brentwood-based M. Lee Smith Publishers, which operates a commercial subscription service that tracks
legislation.
It's no surprise that rule changes ate up such a large chunk of the legislature's efforts, said John Vile, chairman of the political science department at Middle Tennessee State University.
Many states, Tennessee included, put constitutional restrictions on local governments, which mean even small changes to city and county operations need approval.
"It seems inefficient to me," Vile said.
Impact can still be big. Not all of the rule tweaks that passed this year have a limited scope. One would allow the Tennessee Highway Patrol to enforce immigration laws statewide, for example.
But the bulk do things like boost the daily pay of supervisors of soil districts (from $15 to $30), add a public safety official to the board overseeing state employees' retirement and regulate helicopter rides in Pigeon Forge.
Those are also the type of bills that are easier to pass than those addressing the
issues at the top of voters' priority lists; they steer clear of ideological quagmires in most cases, said Brenda Erickson, research analyst with the Denver-based National Conference of State Legislatures.
"Changing education funding is very complicated, very controversial," Erickson said. "Changing the way barbers are governed is a little less complicated."
Just because these "protocol" bills seem mundane, doesn't mean they are "frivolous" or have little effect on the average voter, said Sen. Thelma Harper.
The Nashville Democrat leads the Senate committee that hears these proposals, and she is a prolific filer of them herself.
Voters need to know that their public servants are being treated fairly and that the boards licensing beauticians, dialysis clinics and veterinarians are reputable, she said.
Ultimately, that duty rests with the state. Voters probably don't see the impact of the protocol bills "until something goes wrong," Harper said. "Then they say, 'That's your job. Why didn't you know? Why didn't you do your job?' "
Source: The Tennessean, www.tennessean.com

Getting old sucks

2007-07-04T10:36:00.000-04:00

Three weeks ago: While detailing my car, I threw out my back. It was impossible to find a comfortable sitting position. After weeks of drugs, it's finally better. Mostly.

Monday: To keep from getting a citation for an unkempt lawn, I decided after work to toil on cutting the grass. I hauled out the mower from the storage building, started to gas it up, and a bumblebee, or something that looked like one, decided my task pissed him off. Bad. He came attacking -- a sting to the right hand, another to the right elbow and a third to the left thigh. The result? A swollen, FAT hand that I had to keep on ice for 24 hours. Damned bee. I hope he's dead.

Tuesday: I was strolling through a bookstore with The Girl and a friend, when my leg started hurting. Sharp pain. Nothing unusual; I have a bum knee, and it often throbs with pain. Only, about 10 minutes into the pain, I realized it's not my knee! It's my shin, and it hurts like a mofo. (Am I the only one who freaks out and thinks "blood clot" when I get weird pains? I think that's my biggest fear of dying.)

Today: It. Still. Hurts. And my hand, while slimming, is still fat.

Happy birthday! Or ... WWJD?

2007-07-04T10:08:00.000-04:00

Happy birthday, America! This pup and his Stars and Stripes are my wallpaper today.

Can you imagine the guts it took for those men to declare our freedom 231 years ago? Do you think any of our leaders could display the same kind of raw courage today? I doubt it, too.

I wonder if today's U.S.A. is what Thomas Jefferson, et al., envisioned on that summer's day more than two centuries ago. Here's some food for thought on What Would Jefferson Do? (or, for this day alone, WWJD?)

What would Jefferson do if someone proposed making gay marriage illegal?
What would Jefferson do after having the land he loves attacked by a madman and his followers? Would he retaliate against another country which played no role in the terrorism enacted upon his beloved soil?
What would Jefferson do if a key federal adviser was found guilty of a crime and sentenced to prison? Would he OK a pardon? Call this man "a great American," as one Tennessean planning to announce his intentions to run for POTUS has?
What would Jefferson do if the majority of Americans elected a man POTUS, but the electoral votes weren't there to complete the transaction?
What would Jefferson do if, in the same election, there were questions about votes cast? Or in a subsequent election?
What would Jefferson do in the event of arguments over religion? Would he think there is a superior religion? Or would he be tolerant of all faiths and beliefs?
What would Jefferson do if officials talked of closing off America's borders? Would he control immigration?
What would Jefferson do about health care? Would he recognize the insurance lobbyists as the ones who have a choke hold on the progress that could be made?

Government for the people, by the people and of the people seems to be an ideal that has been lost over the centuries. It is up to us to see that the visions of Jefferson and those who bravely put their necks on the line for our freedom to carry out their ideals.

Are we up to the task? After all they risked, how can we not be?

Which is cheaper?

2007-07-01T11:53:00.000-04:00

Today marks the beginning of a new cigarette tax in Tennessee.

The Tennessean did an article on smokers stocking up yesterday before having to pay 42 cents more per pack. (The money, incidentally, goes to education and the state's trauma care centers.)

In the "things that make you go 'hmmmm ...'" department was this gem:
Or they could drive to Kentucky. That's what Cynthia Brown said she plans to do for her weekly carton.
"That's just the way it goes," she said. "But that doesn't make it any easier to accept."

According to the article (which I have to trust, since I neither smoke nor buy cigarettes), "a $26.77 carton Saturday will cost $30.97 today." Using my handy-dandy calculator, that's a difference of $4.20.

Gas is at $2.69 to $3.09 per gallon in Cynthia's corner of the world, according to Nashville Gas Prices.com. And Google Maps indicates its 41.6 miles to the Kentucky border.

So ... why would smokes be cheaper in Kentucky? After you factor in the gas and wear-and-tear on the car on a weekly basis?

It seems to me there are two cost-effective alternatives here: Suck it up and pay the tax. Or quit. Either is going to be cheaper than a weekly trek to the Bluegrass State.

(I wonder why they don't call it "the Bluegrass Commonwealth"?)

Other laws in effect in Tennessee today:

School resource officers must be sworn police officers.
Parents face fines if their children don't wear helmets on motorcycles or ATVs.
Partners seeking divorce must go through mediation. And if children are involved, there's a waiting period.
Students who gang up to fight an individual student face a mandatory one-year-expulsion.
A new misdemeanor is removing a radio collar or microchip from a dog without the owner's permission.
Driving a motorcycle with the front tire off the ground will be considered reckless driving
Prisoners flashing prison guards face indecent exposure charges.
Make a non-emergency call to 911 and you'll face a fine of up to $500.
The tax on food drops one-half cent.
It is now illegal to have sex with an animal.
Anyone charged with vehicular homicide is not eligible for any form of diversion, which can get the charge removed from their record.
The minimum sentence for offenders convicted of child rape increases from 15 to 25 years. That is where the judge starts, and then considers enhancing factors that can increase the sentence or mitigating factors that can decrease it.
Drivers can now use deadly force if they believe they are in immediate danger from a carjacker.

Sources: WBIR-TV and Bristol News

Brilliant ... just brilliant

2007-06-30T16:02:00.000-04:00

I long for the day when I can come to this blog and say, with no sarcasm whatsoever, "Look! Our state legislature has done a wonderful thing! Kudos!"

But, alas, I cannot. This is not Camelot, and they are ... well, who they are.

This latest effort goes into effect tomorrow. To wit:

Everyone shows ID for beer in Tenn.
By LUCAS L. JOHNSON II, Associated Press Writer 1 hour, 18 minutes ago
NASHVILLE, Tenn. - Comer Wilson hasn't had to show his ID to buy beer in a while. Maybe it's the 66-year-old man's long white beard.
Starting Sunday, gray hair won't be good enough. Wilson and everyone else will be required to show identification before buying beer in Tennessee stores — no matter how old the buyer appears.
"It's the stupidest law I ever heard of," Wilson said. "You can see I'm over 21."
Tennessee is the first state to make universal carding mandatory, says the National Alcohol Beverage Control Association. However, the law does not apply to beer sales in bars and restaurants, and it does not cover wine and liquor.
Supporters say it keeps grocery store and convenience store clerks from having to guess a customer's age. Democratic Gov. Phil Bredesen said it's a good way to address the problems of underage drinking. And the 63-year-old governor said he personally won't mind the extra effort to buy beer.
"I'll be very pleased when I'm carded, and in my mind I'll just imagine it's because I look so young," he said.
Rich Foge, executive director of the Tennessee Malt Beverage Association, said he expects there might be some initial resistance from the beer-buying public.
"But once people live with it for a month or two, it's going to go fine," he said. "It gets routine after a while."
Jarron Springer, president of the Tennessee Grocers and Convenience Store Association, said he understands the law "may seem a little odd" to people who are obviously older than 21, but he said it's necessary to make sure no one slips through the cracks.
"If we're going to hold clerks accountable for their actions, then there's no room for discretion," Springer said. "It's either all or nothing."
The blanket requirement makes it easier for stores to comply, said Steve Schmidt, spokesman for the National Alcohol Beverage Control Association
"There's no need to judge whether someone looks 21, 25 or 30," he said. "It's a set, consistent standard across the entire state."
Richard Rollins, who owns a convenience store in Nashville, is already using a computerized scanner to check everyone's driver's licenses when they buy beer.
"We just say we're trying to keep our beer permit, and this is the safest way," Rollins said.
But it has stopped Jeff Campbell from shopping at Rollins' market.
"I don't mind them asking for my ID, but they don't need my driver's license number," said Campbell, 43. "I'm just buying a six-pack. All they need to know is how old I am."
Rollins said scanning licenses has proved beneficial in other ways, such as catching criminals. When one customer tried to make a purchase using a counterfeit bill, Rollins said police were able to track him down because the receipt from the scanner showed his name and license number — and his address.
The new law, which expires after a year unless the Legislature decides to renew it, also creates a voluntary training program for vendors and their employees.
Participating businesses would face lower fines if found guilty of selling beer to a minor, and their beer permits cannot be revoked on a first offense. However, they face fines of up to $1,000 for each underage sale and they lose their status if they commit two violations in a 12-month period.
Another violation could mean suspension or revocation of a license, and fine of up to $2,500.
Noncertified vendors can face those penalties on a first offense.
Marylee Booth, executive director of the Tennessee Oil Marketers Association, which represents gas stations and convenience stores, said the intention is not to hurt vendors, but to help them protect minors.
"We're doing everything we can to keep minors from buying beer," Booth said. "This is just one more tool we want to try."
___
Associated Press writer Erik Schelzig contributed to this report.

My question is, what's wrong with the cashier carding if she is unsure? It's been more than a few years ago since I worked in a convenience store, but that's exactly how I did it. A few would resist, but they'd haul out their IDs when they saw that the transaction wouldn't be completed unless they showed me proof of their date of birth.

Obviously, these men and women are out of touch with reality if they think this one little law will curb underage drinking. Most of these kids have a older-than-21 friend who is more than happy to make the buy.

To me, it appears some high-positioned lobbyists have courted our solons to ensure that their clients don't have to shoulder a bit of responsibility and common sense. And it worked.

Way to go, Tennessee representatives and senate! Insert dripping sarcasm here.

Soaring with the eagles

2007-06-27T22:22:00.000-04:00

The bald eagle has been endangered for practically all my life. What good news to know that its numbers have increased enough to get it kicked off the endangered species list! Fly, eagle, fly!

U.S. bald eagle numbers making recovery
By H. JOSEF HEBERT, Associated Press Writer
WASHINGTON - The American bald eagle, a national symbol once almost wiped out by hunters and DDT poisoning, has not only survived but is thriving.
The Interior Department will announce on Thursday it is removing the majestic bird from the protection of the Endangered Species Act, capping a four-decade struggle for recovery.
Government biologists have counted nearly 10,000 mating pairs of bald eagles, including at least one pair in each of 48 contiguous states, giving assurance that the bird's survival is no longer in jeopardy.
The eagle population hit bottom in 1963 when only 417 mating pairs could be documented in the 48 states and its future survival as a species was in doubt.
There were once believed to be as many as a half million bald eagles in North America, predating the Europeans' arrival. The Continental Congress put the bird onto the country's official seal in 1782, although Benjamin Franklin preferred the turkey and called the eagle a "bird of bad moral character."
The Interior Department has been mulling over what to do about the bald eagle for eight years since government biologists in 1999 concluded its recovery had been a success.
Earlier this year, a federal court directed Interior to make a decision on the bird's status by this Friday, acting in a lawsuit by a Minnesota man who complained the government's delays kept him from developing seven acres that included an eagle's nest.
Damien Schiff, attorney for Pacific Legal Foundation which represents the developer, said Wednesday the delisting is "a victory for property owners." But he worried a proposed eagle protection plan using another law will still be too restrictive.
Conservationists called the eagle recovery a vindication of the 1973 Endangered Species Act, which has been under attack from property rights and business groups, and the subject of internal review at the Interior Department.
Environmentalists worry changes in implementing the law will make it harder keep plants and animals from disappearing, especially ones lacking the symbolism of the bald eagle.
"No other species has that advantage," says Michael Bean, an endangered species expert at Environmental Defense. "It's the national symbol."
John Kostyack of the National Wildlife Federation, called the eagle resurgence "truly one of America's great wildlife success stories" that shows the federal law is needed and can work.
"The rescue of the bald eagle ... ranks among the greatest victories of American conservation," said John Flicker, president of the National Audubon Society, whose group's annual bird count shows "the eagle has recovered across America."
The bird, first declared endangered in 1967, was not always held with such affection. Over the decades, it was both revered and hated — which almost brought its demise.
A majestic bird with a wing span that can extend more than seven feet and powerful
talons that allow it to swoop down and grab its prey — be it fish in a mountain lake or a rabbit or raccoon — was viewed by many as a scavenger, nuisance and dangerous predator.
It was hunted for its feathers, shot from airplanes, the subject of a 50-cent bounty in Alaska, poisoned in some states and fed to hogs in others. Congress passed a law in 1940, still on the books, that made killing a bald eagle illegal.
But the bird's decline accelerated, thanks to DDT, the insecticide that began to be widely used in the 1940s to control mosquitoes. DDT seeped into lakes and streams and into fish, the eagle's favorite food, harming adult birds and their eggs.
When DDT was banned in 1972, the eagle's recovery began, slowly.
George Wallace, vice president and chief conservation officer for the American Bird Conservancy, recalls when he was still in high school in the 1970s he saw his first bald eagle on Plum Island in Massachusetts. It was a rarity.
"Seeing a bald eagle in the mid '70s was a big deal," he said Wednesday. "It was something you really looked forward to seeing. Now, to be honest, bald eagles are pretty common."

The Evil Empire

2007-06-26T13:09:00.000-04:00

Eternal damnation is not a fiery pit run by a horned, pitchfork-toting dude with a forked tail. It's a mega-store with Sam Walton's portrait on display. And Wal-Mart is thy name.

Walton, rest his soul, was most likely looking to be a successful businessman (and becoming a billionaire in the process didn't hurt) when he started what has grown into hell on Earth. He is not to blame.

Rather, it is the demonic beings who guide their shopping carts along the merchandise-riddled aisles that make Wal-Mart less than holy.

I offer two examples:

-- Last night, The Girl and I were perusing the offerings in our area Wal-Mart when a demon pushed one of the shopping carts past my daughter. I could almost hear the whoosh from the cart's jet engines as she zoomed past, yelling over her shoulder: "Excuse me, honey, I'm going around you."

Keep in mind that this demon was already around us and ahead of us when she screeched out her advisory.

What was her destination? The cat food aisle.

That must have been one hungry kitty, considering the way she was careening through the store.

-- The second example, also last night, included another woman and her myriad of children.

(Note: Is Wal-Mart a form of recreation for some of these families? Every time I'm in there, there's about three families of 12 -- the WHOLE family -- shopping. Can no one stay at home and mind the dog? Would it kill Dad to watch the kids while Mom goes into town for supplies? Or vice versa? Where do you put your purchases in the vehicle when a dozen warm bodies are littering it? And they always have purchases -- big ones. I have yet to see a U-Haul trailer in the parking lot, so logic tells me they're sitting on their fish sticks and tubs of Neapolitan ice cream on the ride home. I guess the little ones get stuck holding the bread and eggs. But I digress.)

Back to the woman and her throng of children. I'm in the dairy aisle, and The Girl was looking for something specific when I looked to my rear and saw this demon pushing her cart very rapidly down the aisle, with all the kids holding on to the sides and the front. It was surreal -- almost like a scene from "ER" when they have a critical patient they're rushing in.

"Moooooom! Slow down!" warned one of the imps with a modicum of sense, apparently inherited from the father. "You're going to run over people."

"Well, I'm in a hurry!" the bitch huffed.

"So what?!?" yelled I, my bitch switch now officially switched.

The bitch with all the kids responded by whipping out her cell phone and making a phone call. She continued the conversation as she and her entourage ambled aisle after aisle. (OK, I kept up with her, I admit it. Call me bitchy but, you know, she flipped the switch.)

I would avoid Wal-Mart if I could -- believe me, I would. Unfortunately, it's the closest store to my home. Equally unfortunately, it would be fiscally irresponsible of me not to shop there in my sorry financial shape.

So I guess I'll suck it up and keep reading Behind the Counter. It gives me a twisted sense of consolation to know that my opinions are shared by someone else in the store.

Her e-mail isn't working

2007-06-21T22:50:00.000-04:00

Let me say it again: Her e-mail isn't working.

She has no e-mail. It's not working.

Irritating, isn't it?

Imagine hearing it, I swear to God, SEVENTEEN times. At least. In an hour. With the words rearranged. Or replaced. But the meaning's the same.

My e-mail isn't working.

Not working. I can't get e-mail.

People are sending me e-mail. I'm not getting it.

I have no e-mail.

I have a problem: I have no e-mail.

No e-mail ...

No e-mail ...

No e-mail.

Argh!

In case you haven't guessed, this is a co-worker. She's not in my department, thank God. But I can hear her over the people who are. Not only is she repetitive, she's VERY LOUD. And she talks. Constantly. And laughs. And snickers, in this really silly-sounding pssssssssssss-sss-sss that sounds like she's deflating. Only she's not. Unfortunately.

Our desks are separated by a very thin wall. A doorway leads from one department to another. A doorway -- with no door. Don't recommend that I see management about installing a door. Been there, done that. They want to try "other methods." Insert eyeroll here.

My therapist recommends buying a white-noise machine. I'm not against that, but it really chaps my ass that I have to be out $50-plus when these anemic managers could tell her to Just Shut Up.

They say they've told her to hush. I believe that, but it's doing no good. She's yet to cease and desist. Meanwhile, folks in my department who aren't nearly as loud are repeatedly told to keep it quiet. Insert another eyeroll.

You know what the bad thing is? Other than her annoyingly loud voice, tendency to bug the shit out of me with repetition and that idiotic hissing, I actually like her. (I know! It's like saying, "Other than that unfortunate shooting of your husband, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?")

She's friendly. She's good at her job. Unfortunately, she and I work the same hours. And. She. Won't. Shut. Up.

So, until I can spring for the machine, I've found my own version of White noise -- The White Stripes on my iTunes. Their music is the only thing I've found that will drown her out. Know the words to "Icky Thump"? I do.

Rock on, Jack. Bang those drums, Meg. And you on the other side of the wall, SHUT THE HELL UP!

So you think you know The Boy Who Lived?

2007-06-21T07:33:00.000-04:00

Put it to the test!

How High is Your Harry Potter IQ?

(Not bragging, but I got everything correct. Isn't that, like, perfect? Insert mebeam here.)

Testing, testing ...

2007-06-20T08:04:00.000-04:00

My spacebar was all over the place in the last post. So I took it apart, gave it a good spray with canned air, and put it back together.

All is right with the world now. (Or at least my keyboard. I looooooooove this keyboard, so knowing it was merely sick is a relief.)

Warning to the wise: Be prepared to see disgusting stuff if you ever pry a key off your keyboard. I know it's there, but I'm always unprepared. Ewwwwwwwwwwwww.

Incredible

2007-06-20T07:40:00.000-04:00

Incredibly sickening, that is.

The Girl is on throes of the four-year life's journey known as high school. Naturally, friends want to know my impressions as the first-time mom of a high schooler.

The latest contenders are a couple of her father's friends, who have a son a year younger than The Girl. As the mother and I chatted, the father informed his wife that their son likely would not be going to high school next year.

Apparently, that was news to her, for she replied, "Really? Why?"

"My son," this baboon declared, "will not go to a high school where a f** is the principal."

(My apologies to baboons. It's the first metaphor that entered my mind that was family friendly.)

The mother, who normally is not my favorite person, became my hero with her next carefully chosen words:

"Uh-huh." Insert huge pregnant pause here. "Well, you'll be homeschooling him, then, because I'm not going to do it."

As much as I love my little corner of the world, I abhor these attitudes. Said principal is a caring man whose priority is the students. I don't know his sexual orientation, nor do I care.

The students in this district couldn't be in better hands. I'm proud and delighted my daughter will be in high school with an exemplary leader at the helm.

Unfortunately, The Baboon's attitude is rampant here. If the principal were African-American, I have no doubt he would have inserted the n-word in place of the f-word.

Disgusting. It truly is.

Did I mention that The Baboon has a highly regarded job? Yeah. Scary thought.

Asshole.

***
Dark ages attitudes aside, mornings like this one remind me why I love East Tennessee.

After a much-needed downpour yesterday, it is sunny and beautiful outside. The lush greens are showing off, and the mugginess has lifted.

It's a clear, beautiful day. Enjoy it.

Welcome to the club!

2007-06-19T08:00:00.000-04:00

The newest members of the I'm Famous But My Baby Has a Normal Name Club are ...

Drumroll, please.

Kevin James and Julia Roberts!

James, whom I loved on "King of Queens" and am looking forward to seeing with My Adam in "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry," named his wee Flag Day arrival Shea Joelle.

And Roberts' babe, born on My Sir Paul's 65th birthday, is known as Henry Daniel.

(Adam and Sir Paul, it may be noted, are both members of the club. Adam's daughter is Sadie Madison. Sir Paul is, of course, the father of designer Stella McCartney. His other children are Mary, James and Beatrice. He is also the adopted dad of Heather, Linda McCartney's daughter from a previous marriage.)

Congrats to the new parents! And welcome to the club!

Happy birthday, Grandpa!

2007-06-17T14:08:00.000-04:00

Had he lived, my dear grandfather would have been 90 years old today.

I know everybody thinks their grandfather was the greatest. But mine really was. I'll put him up against anyone.

I can't remember a time when I didn't adore my father's father. By many standards, he was an unexceptional man. He didn't finish elementary school. The Army rejected him for having flat feet. In all his 71 years of living on this planet, he had traveled no farther than Kentucky -- and Georgia, for the great reject the U.S. Army issued.

Those people who would dismiss him on those terms don't know my Grandpa.

He was loving, loyal and kind. He loved a chaw of Red Man, mixed with Beech Nut. Nothing was more restful to him than sitting on the front porch on a summer's evening with a bowl of vanilla ice cream. And no meal was complete without a spoonful of Peter Pan peanut butter.

(I'm glad my grandfather didn't live to see the Peter Pan recall earlier this year. It would have crushed him. Choosy mothers may choose Jif, but grandfathers loved Peter Pan.)

Grandpa's childhood was rough. He was 6 when his mother died, and his father sent him into the bowels of the earth as a coal miner at age 14. He was paid in scrip -- or rather, my great-grandfather was. Grandpa didn't see any of his pay for years.

He married my grandmother in 1940, and together they raised five children. My father was their second born, and the second son. While he worked in the sawmill by day, he, my grandmother and the kids worked to build what became the family home. Grandpa designed it himself, and it was the place I thought of as home for my first 25 years. Even today, the word "home" conjures up images of the house my grandfather designed and led his family in building.

I was the first grandchild, and I freely admit my Grandpa spoiled me rotten. One of my first memories is of being devastated because I couldn't marry him. I thought then -- and I still think today -- my grandmother got the last good one.

My childhood memories are filled with Grandpa, who served as a surrogate father when his own son abandoned me, my mother and my sister. He was a consummate storyteller who could keep me in stitches. I double over when I regale others with his stories, but they look at me with stony silence. That storytelling gene, undoubtedly, died with him.

I was in college when my grandfather began having health problems. The coal mines took their toll, and combined with years of smoking, he suffered from emphysema. He suffered a heart attack while in the hospital for pneumonia, and while he recovered from that, it was another stealth disease that robbed his mind and eventually claimed his life.

Alzheimer's disease. It was a funny-sounding term I remember reading about in John Irving's Cider House Rules. Now, we were living it. Thoughts and functions that once seemed involuntary were taking their toll on my wonderful grandfather. Nine months before it would claim his life, the disease erased any memory of me. I -- and the rest of the family -- became mere faces hovering over his bed.

His hard-fought battle was lost in 1991, and a day doesn't go by that I don't think of my Grandpa. I honored his memory a couple of years later by naming my daughter after him, and I tell her often about the great-grandfather I wish she had known -- the great-grandfather who would have poured all his love onto her.

Happy birthday, Grandpa. I'll love you forever.

She's full of excrement

2007-06-16T10:03:00.000-04:00

No way in hell would I sign that joke Angelina Whorlie's attorney is passing off as a media contract to interview his client and her concubine, Brad's the Pitts. Furthermore, any editor and/or publisher should be fired and shamed out of the profession if they affix their names to such a document.

Shame on you, Whorlie! This is even a low step for you, you brother-kissing, blood-vial-wearing, husband-stealing, calling-your-baby-a-blob piece of shit.

And people wonder why I won't give you or your films the time of day. Stop the bullshit, and go tend to your flock. They need a mother.

And stop collecting them. Stamps are for collecting, children are not. You, my dear, are no Mia Farrow. You'll never see the day when you're good enough to scrub Mia Farrow's toilet.

I heart Mike Luckovich

2007-06-15T08:08:00.001-04:00

Need I say more about why the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's cartoonist is one of my favorites?

I'm not alone

2007-06-12T00:40:00.000-04:00

My mother's death left me with more questions than answers.

Bipolar disorder, the mental illness that prompted my mother to take her life, is genetic. Could it be that I'll be afflicted with it somewhere down the road. What about my beautiful daughter? Could this horrible disease affect her thoughts and addle her peaceful existence?

Could I, by calling my mother earlier that day, have prevented it?

Is there some way I can talk to her? I just want to hear from her one more time.

I found out a week or so ago that someone else is having the same kind of thoughts.

Anyone who watched "The Young and The Restless" in the 1980s is familiar with Thom Bierdz. The name may not be familiar, but his role as Phillip Chancellor III has been pivotal since the early days of the soap.

(This is the part where I admit that I was an unabashed fan. I thought he was just about the most handsome thing I'd ever seen walk across the TV screen.)

That's why I immediately recognized his name when I came across it while doing some online research last Sunday. I always wondered whatever happened to the guy whose smoldering good looks lit up my TV screen daily and whose demise has me carrying a grudge against "The Young and the Restless" almost 20 years later.

What happened was an almost indescribable horror.

After Thom's character was written off in 1989, it looked like he was headed for a career to match Tom Cruise's. His fast track to stardom was stopped weeks later, however, when his baby brother bludgeoned their mother to death with a baseball bat. And some years later, his other brother committed suicide.

Thom reveals all those feelings and his search inside himself in Forgiving Troy: The Art-o-biography of Thom Bierdz. I found excerpts of the book on his Web site, and I was mesmerized.

He had the same feelings I do. In reading those few pages, I found someone who looked into my soul.

That feeling was even more validated when I received the book in the mail today. Now an acclaimed artist, Thom uses some of his paintings to illustrate the feelings he describes in words. It's a heart-wrenching, soul-searching read, and one I highly recommend.

For me, it's therapeutic. By reading about Thom's trials and tribulations, I'm discovering myself -- and my mother.

Thanks, Thom.

Back atcha, babe

2007-06-10T10:28:00.000-04:00

I decided yesterday that I was tired of driving a trash can. So I cleaned out my car.

Cleaned the windows. Vacuumed, which sucked up the dirt but left most of the white dog hairs clinging to the seats. (The fact that this dog isn't bald -- and has no bald spots -- is one of the great mysteries of life. I continue to clean up enough hair to knit a new litter of pups.)

I even used Armor-All on the dash. I haven't done that since high school, which is longer ago than I care to remember.

My car is now spiffy on the inside.

And my thanks? An aching back, just in time for work on Monday.

Excuse me while I moan and adjust the heating pad.

Men's Health

2007-06-09T09:04:00.000-04:00

Apparently, Men's Health magazine decided I have a subscription.

I ask you, WHY would I subscribe to Men's Health? I am not a man. The only male in my life is a 4-year-old Pekingese, and while he's adorable, the only use he'd have for Men's Health is to chew on its pages and maybe provide me with paper should he have an accident.

I found a toll-free number inside the magazine, so I called to cancel my "subscription." (I'm still rolling my eyes. Ye gads!)

I'm probably going to give the two issues they kindly sent yesterday to a co-worker. Lord knows I don't need them -- well, unless the dog has the aforementioned accident, and there's plenty of unsolicited junk mail lying around here to take care of that.

Can't believe I did that

2007-06-09T08:50:00.000-04:00

I spent the better part of yesterday evening surfing the Internet looking for Paris Hilton footage.

I know! It's bad! I'm dying of shame here.

I despise Paris Hilton. I disliked her even before she decided she was above the law and too privileged to read her own mail. That haughty "I'm-so-rich-my-feces-doesn't-stink" look always makes me want to slap her, if for nothing else because she'd be disgusted because a middle-class peon touched her. I'd have disinfectant handy, of course -- for me.

The fact that she went kicking and screaming back to jail made my day. (OK, it was a high -- finding my favorite slacks in my size after searching in three cities made my day.)

However, that might have even been replaced had I been able to see Paris screaming, Mooooom! It's not right!

I guess I'll have to live with the descriptions because apparently there were no cameras in the courtroom.

I applaud Judge Michael Sauer in sending her skanky ass back to the slammer. Sheriff Lee Baca should be ashamed of himself.

To the grandmother of my progeny

2007-06-08T19:10:00.000-04:00

Anyone who spends any amount of time with us knows within minutes that our feelings for one another are exactly warm. I tolerated you for years because of your son and granddaughter. But guess what? I don't have to do that anymore!

Your granddaughter is old enough now to choose where she wants to spend time, and your house isn't even in the top 50. Rest assured, I didn't say anything to turn her against you. No, my dear, that was all your doing.

I don't take her to visit you. That's your son's responsibility. I don't expect him to take her for visits to my father's house. He's aware of the arrangement. He even signed papers saying as much.

No matter what we do, we cannot change that I'm your granddaughter's mother, or vice versa. However, we don't have to be in one another's faces, and we don't have to be part of each other's lives outside your granddaughter. That's a caveat I am delighted to live with.

So when my phone rang today with a familiar number on caller ID, I couldn't place it at first. Your granddaughter didn't recognize it, either. So I answered.

I recognized your voice immediately. Apparently, you did the same, but you asked who you were speaking to anyway. I gave my name, and you hung up.

Let me add right here that I'm about as delighted to hear from you as I would be to learn that I have rickets. But I'm willing to be nice. If you had been civil and said something like, Oh, I'm sorry! I thought I called someone else! I would have understood. I would have taken the call with a wink and a nudge, and it would have been our little secret.

But you didn't. You hung up instantly. So I'm telling everybody.

I'm telling your hairdresser. I'm telling the ladies in your art league. I'm telling my neighbors. Hell, I'm telling the world right now on the World Wide Web. Guess what, planet? My offspring's grandmother is a rude doofus!

Oh, and before I forget, it's plastic, not plaskick; Wal-Mart, not Wal-Mark; Kmart, not Kmark.

It was 40 years ago today ...

2007-06-02T14:11:00.001-04:00

(In the U.S. that is) That the Beatles released Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, the album Rolling Stone refers to as the best of all time. Ever. Period. Who am I to argue with one of the industry's most respected periodicals?

The album was released a day earlier in Britain. (On my parents' anniversary, but that's neither here nor there -- although they and the Beatles ultimately met the same fate ...)

Choosing a favorite song is like asking a mother to choose her favorite child. (I never have a problem with the latter, however.) I love Ringo's nasal twang in "With a Little Help from My Friends." "A Day in the Life" ... a mixture of Lennon and McCartney in one song. "When I'm 64" holds a dear place. Cute, catchy and hey, who other than Heather Mills wouldn't love Paul now that he's 64 -- almost 65?!? Plus, it's in The World According to Garp, a movie based on one of my favorite novels.

Check out "Sgt. Pepper: A to Z," and listen to some of the tunes while you're there.

Happy birthday, Sgt. Pepper!

Got class?

2007-06-02T13:30:00.000-04:00

The New York Times has a graphic in which you can identify four aspects about yourself and choose which class you fall into.

According to the graphic, I'm average. Great education, good job, but my salary and worth suck rocks. Hey, two out of four ain't bad. ;)

Thursday haiku ... and other ramblings

2007-05-31T20:09:00.000-04:00

I'm tired this Thursday
But there's laundry to do--
My closet's bare.

The other editor
Makes hateful accusations--
Her life must be sad.
***
Anyone who knows my bleeding-heart liberal leanings should bookmark this for future reference, because I'm about to jump to the defense of a conservative Republican.

We're in the midst of a war, at the end of the bloodiest and deadliest month in the years since Dubya decided to jump onto an innocent country because "they picked on mah Daddy." Health care in this country is a joke. If gas prices continue to escalate I'm going to have to get a second job in order to afford to drive to my first job, and I'm not alone.

Now why, in the midst of all that needs fixing in this country, are some people picking on Mitt Romney's faith? Admittedly, I know next to nothing about Romney. I know he was governor of Massachusetts. (Wasn't he? Maybe I'd better go look -- yeah, he was. Thank goodness for Wikipedia and a tip of my hat to Michael Scott.) I'm sure I could find something I didn't like about him, what with his right leanings and my left ones.

Why do many in America have a problem with a person's religious affiliation? I would have never known what Romney's denomination was if it hadn't been for all the "Oh, gosh, he's Mormon!" squeals. Hell, I've supported John Edwards in two presidential races now, and I wouldn't even begin to guess which church he drives to on Sunday, or even if he goes to church.

Nor do I care. I want to know what a future insert-elective-office-here can do to make our world better and how dedicated he or she is to the job at hand. Their faith is between them and their God, god, goddess, Magic Conch or whatever.
***
I am so freaking tired. A vacation isn't too far away, and I can't wait. I just want to rest; the hell with the rest of it.

Even though time off will be glorious, I can't help but worry a little bit. The first few days back at work usually consist of putting out fires. I say "I'm sorry" a lot to folks who call and want to know why their insert press release here didn't make it into the newspaper. Sigh.

Time to toss in some laundry. "Clothing optional" is not a dress-code option. Although ... it would be dressing down. Of course, I'd probably get a dressing down for it. Wonder if I could formulate a persuasive argument about Casual Fridays?!? ;)

Does anyone ...

2007-05-16T09:46:00.000-04:00

Even know who's on "American Idol" now that Sanjaya is gone? Does anyone care?

And, as far as that other farce, "Dancing with the Stars," I say, "Go, Joey FatOne!"

Human-interest story

2007-05-16T08:20:00.000-04:00

Want to know how to turn off a reporter and/or editor from your idea for an article?

Tell them you have a "human-interest" story.

I've been in the business for longer than I care to admit. I've seen babies whose births I typed up grow to be doctors and lawyers. I've typed up their children's births.

And in all that time, I've never heard an idea described as a "human-interest story" that would interest any human other than the one presenting the idea. Never. Not once.

Any interest I might have in what you're saying is out the door when you utter those three words. I hear nothing else. You might as well talk to a tree.

Over the years, "human-interest stories" pitched to me include:
-- Caller's divorce issues.

-- Caller's custody issues.

-- Caller went to bank for change for a $20. Bank wouldn't give change.

-- My granddaughter is prom queen/homecoming queen/insert-your-own-title-here queen.

-- A bailiff was rude to me.

Divorce sucks. Custody battles suck even more.

Banks have the right to make their own rules, including denying your change. Go to the convenience store down the road; I'll bet you your $20 they'll give you change.

There are a whole bunch of high schools out there. They all have prom queens, homecoming queens and probably real queens who I think are OK but you'd probably demand be kicked out of school not because they're causing problems, but because that's the kind of hateful in-the-name-of-Christianity pig you are.

Maybe the bailiff was having a bad day. Or maybe you're a rude bitch. My money lays with the latter.

Another "atta girl"

2007-05-11T22:17:00.000-04:00

Sheryl Crow has adopted a baby.

The little boy, born two weeks ago, is named Wyatt Steven. She and Kim Fields are giving the odd names a run for their money. Way to go, girls!

Maybe Apple, Audio Science and Fifi Trixibelle are one their way out. One could only hope.

* * *
The Tennessean Web site today reported the top girls' and boys' names in the state over the past year. Top girls' names include Madison, Emma and Emily, while the boys lead with William, Jacob and Joshua. (What? No Michael?!?)

Here's the boys' names, by rank and the number of 2006-birthed Tennessee babies with those names:
1. William, 693
2. Jacob, 615
3. Joshua, 538
4. Ethan, 521
5. James, 510
6. Christopher, 449
7. Michael, 419
8. Noah, 412
9. Elijah, 405
10. Andrew, 401
11. John, 398
12. Jackson, 394
13. Matthew, 390
14. Caleb, 383
15. Landon, 367
16. Tyler, 362
17. Samuel, 340
18. Austin, 331
19. (Tie) David and Logan, 328
21. Joseph, 319
22. Christian, 316
23. Hunter, 310
24. Jonathan, 293
25. Alexander, 275
26. Daniel, 275
27. Hayden, 267
28. Nathan, 261
29. Nicholas, 260
30. Robert, 257
31. Mason, 254
32. (Tie) Benjamin and Brandon, 252
34. Gavin, 251
35. Dylan, 250
36. Thomas, 245
37. Cameron, 244
38. Zachary, 239
39. (Tie) Isaiah and Ryan, 236
41. Charles, 232
42. Jordan, 229
43. Anthony, 228
44. Brayden, 219
45. Aiden, 213
46. Gabriel, 212
47. Isaac, 204
48. Evan, 203
49. Luke, 198
50. Jeremiah, 193
51. Jayden, 188
52. Justin, 185
53. Bryson, 1805
4. Lucas, 177
55. Connor, 173
56. Kevin, 167
57. Aidan, 163
58. Jason, 162
59. Caden, 159
60. Carson, 153
61. Jack, 145
62. Aaron, 141
63. (Tie) Preston, Seth and Wyatt, 138
66. Braden, 137
67. (Tie) Carter, Timothy and Nathaniel, 135
70. Tristan, 130
71. Owen, 129
72. Riley, 126
73. (Tie) Blake and Jose, 124
75. (Tie) Eric and Peyton, 122
77. Kaden, 121
78. Eli, 120
79. Alex, 118
80. Chase, 115
81. (Tie) Dalton and Kaleb, 114
83. Adam, 113
84. Brian, 112
85. (Tie) Ashton, Devin and Sean, 111
88. Cooper, 106
89. Jesse, 104
90. Colton, 103
91. Ian, 102
92. Steven, 101
93. Jaden, 98
94. Garrett, 97
95. (Tie) Carlos and Cody, 96
97. (Tie) Juan and Patrick, 95
99. (Tie) Malachi and Parker, 93

And, on the distaff side:
1. Madison, 561
2. Emma, 527
3. Emily, 476
4. Hannah, 464
5. Abigail, 454
6. Olivia, 324
7. Sarah, 319
8. Chloe, 313
9. Alexis, 296
10. (Tie) Anna and Ava, 295
12. Isabella, 295
13. Addison, 283
14. Elizabeth, 281
15. Savannah, 250
16. Alyssa, 242
17. Brianna, 241
18. Ella, 229
19. Taylor, 216
20. Lillian, 206
21. Ashley, 189
22. Lauren, 184
23. Kaylee, 182
24. Morgan, 177
25. Jasmine, 176
26. Makayla, 174
27. Brooklyn, 167
28. (Tie) Hailey and Sophia, 166
30. Gracie, 165
31. Destiny, 164
32. Haley, 163
33. Mary, 162
34. (Tie) Katelyn and Lily, 157
36. Natalie, 155
37. (Tie) Samantha and Sydney, 152
39. Kaitlyn, 151
40. Kayla, 150
41. Grace, 143
42. Caroline, 134
43. Autumn, 132
44. (Tie) Allison and Rachel, 123
46. Katherine, 120
47. Trinity, 119
48. Mackenzie, 118
49. (Tie) Nevaeh and Shelby, 118
51. Riley, 117
52. Kennedy, 113
53. Zoe, 112
54. Victoria, 111
55. (Tie) Avery and Mia, 108
57. (Tie) Amelia and Kylie, 105
59. Megan, 104
60. Jada, 103
61. (Tie) Gabrielle and Madeline, 102
63. Katie, 101
64. Sara, 100
65. Jessica, 99
66. Bailey, 98
67. Maria, 97
68. Molly, 95
69. Mariah, 92
70. Aubrey, 91
71. (Tie) Audrey and Jayla, 90
73. Faith, 88
74. (Tie) Jennifer and Julia, 87
76. Breanna, 86
77. Leah, 85
78. (Tie) Aaliyah, Jenna, Jordan and Kimberly, 84
82. (Tie) McKenzie and Skylar, 82
84. Brooke, 81
85. (Tie) Kendall and Reagan, 80
87. Claire, 78
88. (Tie) Ashlyn and Rebecca, 76
90. (Tie) Layla and Madelyn, 74
92. Lilly, 73
93. Allie, 72
94. (Tie) Kathryn and Kelsey, 71
96. (Tie) Alexandria, Summer and Zoey, 70
99. (Tie) Alexandra, Angel and Lydia, 69

Anyone else notice there's not a Shiloh, Apple or Suri in the bunch? (Of course, The Girl's name isn't there, either, but that's beside the point. It's them we're talking about now.)

A man with a plan

2007-05-11T08:45:00.000-04:00

I'm not shy about my support for John Edwards. I personally think electing him POTUS would be the best thing for this country since ... well, I don't know.

I'll vote for Hillary or Barack if it comes down to it, but they make me uneasy. I loved Hillary's husband, despite his foibles.

(Seriously, Bill, I'm OK with gratification between two consenting adults, but the "definition of what 'is' is was even too much for me.)

Hillary makes me uneasy, though. I don't think she is really in touch with America.

Barack is another story. I think he's in touch, but he's green. Give him a bit of experience, and I'll storm to the polls to elect him POTUS.

My problem with both of them is they're all talk and no action. Yeah, it was funny when Barack asked, "Is that Hillary?" while on stage with Al Sharpton. (Insert HUGE eyeroll here.) But what's he going to do about health care? What's the plan for education?

My man John has a plan. It's going to cost us, but anything worth having is going to cost us.

Isn't it better to pay in tax dollars than with lives, as our present administration has forced upon us? I have next to nothing, but I'll empty my wallet if it means keeping my brother, my daughter and our young Americans happy, healthy and productive -- and off the battlefields.

John may pay $400 for a haircut, but he hasn't forgotten where he came from -- and that there are still many out there struggling.

Give him a look, then give him a shot at the White House.

Am I the only one?

2007-05-07T09:17:00.000-04:00

Am I the only one in the free world who has NO interest in seeing Spider-Man 3?

It just holds no allure for me. Maybe if they had cast Mark Ruffalo as Spidey ...

Nah. I doubt that would even draw me.

It's not Tobey McGuire. (OK, it is partly Kirsten Dunst.) I'm just not into the superheroes movies. I've never seen any of the Batman movies.

(My brother, then about 7, confided once while watching reruns of the old "Batman" series that the real Batman is Michael Keaton. I beg to differ. Michael Keaton is Mr. Mom. The real Batman is, and always will be, Adam West. What's sad is even Adam West thinks he's the real Batman. But I digress.)

Many, many years ago a girlfriend and I, miffed at our boyfriends, went to see Superman 2. I have to say it was pretty good -- but only because every time Christopher Reeve kicked somebody's ass, we cheered in victory because we had named the villains for our boyfriends.

Maybe I should give Spidey a chance ... the ex and his mother would make good villains.

Go, Spidey, go! Open that can of whoop-ass!

Kudos to Tootie!

2007-05-06T14:38:00.000-04:00

Kim Fields, aka Tootie from "Facts of Life," is a new mama. And she bucked the Hollywood trend of giving offspring weirdo names that assure them a place in psychotherapy.

The new addition's name is Sebastian Alexander Morgan. Way to go!

***
I didn't mention it earlier, but another young lady worthy of an "atta girl" this week is Alexa Ray Joel, daughter of singer Billy Joel and his supermodel ex-wife, Christie Brinkley.

Alexa Ray took a powerhouse dipshit to task for his biting words. And she did so in an intelligent way. Wonder how many times Perez had to go to Dictionary.com to look up the big words?

THAT'S the kind of young lady whose face we need to see plastered all over the place. What a refreshing change from Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.

I hate UT sports

2007-05-03T07:41:00.000-04:00

... and this is why:

In a little more than five months — and after years of lobbying from one of the game's most renowned coaches — Tennessee will finally have its plush basketball practice facility.

There's an irony here: Summitt has won seven national titles and is the winningest coach, male or female, in Division I college basketball history. Still, it took the success of a men's coach, Bruce Pearl, just two years at UT to generate the donor interest to finally make all this come to pass.

At
UT, it's still a man's world

Dumbasses. They deserve to lose Pat for all the respect they give her.

Smells like Kurt's spirit

2007-04-30T21:06:00.000-04:00

Courtney Love says she's going to sell Kurt Cobain's things.

"My daughter doesn't need to inherit a giant ... bag full of flannel ... shirts," says Love, former frontwoman of the rock band Hole. "A sweater, a guitar and the lyrics to '(Smells Like) Teen Spirit' -- that's what my daughter gets. And the rest of it we'll just ... sell." (Insert the f-bomb where the ellipses are.)

I missed the whole Nirvana craze, but I'm living it now. My 14-year-old has decided that Kurt's da bomb, and I have yet to break it to her that his widow is selling off his belongings.

I must admit, my first thought was How could she? Then, I paused.

I thought back to going through my mother's things. The dolls she loved ... the angels she collected. Without Mom, they were just stuff. The love my mother had for them -- that's what made them special.

I have found myself decluttering after spending a year sorting through Mom's receipts, photos, Bibles and the like. In the back of my mind, I keep telling myself that I'm doing it for The Girl -- so she won't face such a daunting task of "Should I keep this? Or should I let it go?"

I imagine things are the same for Courtney. Of course there are things she'll keep. But without Kurt, most of his belongings have lost their magic.

Break out the tags and Sharpies, Courtney. We're having a sale!

You've got to be there!

2007-04-29T11:13:00.000-04:00

The News Sentinel has a big splash about The 1982 World's Fair today. As part of the coverage, all these people have given their memories about the fair -- even those who were about 3 at the time.

I was there -- once. And how bad is it to admit that I have no memories of the fair itself?

I was 18, and it was one of the last hurrahs before I graduated from high school. I went with my FHA chapter. (That's Future Homemakers of America.) Here's what I remember:

-- While on the bus, we passed a bus from the Tennessee School for the Deaf. They were using ASL and, being smartasses (dumbasses is more like it), we pantomimed what we thought was sign language. We should have had our heads slapped.

-- Minutes later, we heard a helicopter overhead. One of the girls dropped the bus window, stuck out her head and yelled, "Hi, Pete!" in hopes that she'd just spotted Pete Michaels, traffic watcher from the sky for our favorite radio station, WOKI-FM.

-- We all talked about trying to get free beer from the pavilions. Talk is all it was. I was a good Baptist girl and my mom would have tanned my hide smartly if I had followed through. It didn't matter that Mom was 60 miles away. She would have known.

-- I was with my friend Wilma. Don't remember what we did or saw. I just remember her being there.

-- We stopped at a McDonald's on the way home. The place was decked out in sea theme. The biggest chuckle of the day was when one of the girls pointed out the restrooms which were, in bad punese, marked "Buoys" and "Gulls."

It was a trip I'll never forget -- even if the fair was forgettable.

Should it stay, or should it go?

2007-04-27T21:21:00.000-04:00

My divorced friend once confided that a woman usually changes her hair after a divorce.

Maybe it's a reflection of change. So it was with her, and now with me.

My tresses, once cropped short and styled with a simple shake of the head, are now to my shoulders. I can almost tuck what used to be my bangs behind my ears. And I can scoop up all my hair and pull it back into a sizeable ponytail.

In an attempt to disguise the grey that seems to sprout like dandelions on a golf green, I have an appointment in two weeks for highlights. And, like every other appointment I've had in the last two years, I ponder:

Should I cut it? Or let it go?

I actually toy from time to time with growing enough hair to donate to someone like Locks for Love or Wigs for Kids. While a worthy cause, I think my self-restraint with dealing with my hair will be long gone before it gets to a decent, donatable length.

And that time may be soon. I'm starting to feel like "American Idol's" Sanjaya. My hair tickles the back of my neck, falls into my eyes and annoys me in general.

But I'll probably keep it when the time comes for a decision. Probably.

Or maybe not.

Lowering the standards

2007-04-23T07:17:00.000-04:00

Earlier this year, those great bastions known as the Tennessee General Assembly decided that it's OK if your city or county mayor and their boards didn't graduate from high school.

Now they're looking at lowering -- yes, lowering -- the GPA required for the state's lottery scholarships.

http://www.knoxnews.com/kns/state/article/0,1406,KNS_348_5499206,00.html

Right now, it takes a 3.0 GPA -- a B -- to qualify for the what will be $4,000-a-year gifts under Gov. Bredesen's education plan. To keep it, they must sustain a 2.75 GPA the first year of college and a 3.0 subsequent years.

The plan, which, sadly, has the support of Bredesen, is to lower the GPA to 2.75 for those later college years.

We're giving these kids free money, folks. Isn't the least they can do is work for it?

Things happen, and I understand that. But wouldn't it be better to impose a probationary semester to give students a chance to improve?

Lowering the standards is one of the factors putting us behind in education. It's simply not acceptable, in my opinion, to drop the requirements.

What kind of message does that send to young people? Oh, yeah -- I forgot. This legislature doesn't CARE about the impression their actions make on the state's youth. Silly me.

Would that be a full moon or a new moon?

2007-04-22T19:07:00.000-04:00

Oh dear Lord. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse with those buffoons who collectively call themselves the Tennessee General Assembly.

It seems now that, at the behest of the Shelby County Sheriff's Office, the great solons are looking to pass a bill to make it a misdemeanor for prisoners to expose their buttocks. Mooning, as you will.

I have a lot of questions about this one. What if Byron "Low-Tax" Looper decides to drop his drawers? He's a lifer; what the hell does he care if he gets slapped with a misdemeanor?

The great lawmakers have pointed out that there are now a lot of female corrections officers who are getting exposed. Ummmm ... isn't that one of the casualties of the job? (And no, I'm not a corrections officer, nor do I care to be one. I see lots of asses daily without having someone show me theirs.)

One of my former co-workers used to expose his ass to us on a daily basis. His jeans were baggy, and it was nothing for us to look over and see a whole new ... uhh ... side of J. Should he get a misdemeanor charge? I'm a female, and it was a sight I sure as hell didn't want to see.

But you've got to see this. You can't make this stuff up.

Insert shriek here

2007-04-22T13:26:00.000-04:00

There's a new Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix trailer. And it's looooooong.

Am I happy? You betcha. :)

Sophomoric potpourri

2007-04-21T12:00:00.000-04:00

... because we need a little levity after a sad week.

***
Here's my advice to Ireland Baldwin:

The next time your daddy calls you, tell him this:

I'm rubber; you're glue
What you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

I say this because that insipid phone call Alec Baldwin made to his daughter conjures up descriptives for him that he used for his 11-year-old daughter.

Namely pig, idiot, ass.

I never liked Baldwin, but he's officially off my list. He joins Tom Cruise, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt in the Hall of Shame; i.e., works banned from my house because they're complete idiots.

Dammit. I really like "30 Rock."

***
So Larry Birkhead has evoked the masses by accepting cash from OK! magazine for an article and photos of him and daughter Dannielynn.

My take? Good for him!

Raising kids is damned expensive. So are legal fees to fight grandmother-cum-sow Virgie Arthur for custody of his child.

And, not to diss Larry's profession, but when have you ever seen his name in a photo credit?

My fervent wish is for Larry to be able to raise Dannielynn away from the bright lights of Hollywood and the vultures circling for a piece of what she could inherit from her mother, Anna Nicole Smith.

I still kind of feel sorry for Howard, though. He's kind of grown on me. You know, like a pet rat. You're disgusted at first, then it sort of starts to look cute.

***
Mary Winkler did it, but she's off with a manslaughter charge and could face no more time incarcerated.

I've always believed there was more to the Winkler story, and I still do. I believe she was abused, and that he was a difficult man to live with.

I also believe, contrary to what others are posting, that she could have fired the gun without meaning to. I know nothing about guns, nor do I want to. I wouldn't know how to load one, or how to check if it was. Consequently, I also wouldn't know if the safety was on or even where the safety is.

I've only held a gun maybe twice. (C'mon, this is The South -- most men, including my daddy, grandpa and the one I used to live with, pack heat.) It only seems natural, in my opinion only, to rest your finger near the trigger while you hold it.

As for the phone cord being yanked out? Isn't it possible that he yanked it out to keep her from calling for help?

I wish Mary Winkler godspeed and a way to deal with the rest of her life. Good luck.

Outrage

2007-04-19T07:48:00.000-04:00

Meredith Vieira is outraged.

She's not alone. Talking heads are filling the airwaves with their perplexities, wondering why on earth nothing was done to treat a disturbed young man before he went on a rampage that left 33 dead, including himself.

This is no surprise to those of us who have dealt with mental illness personally. Nobody takes it seriously -- except those living with it.

Insurance companies -- including Medicare and TennCare -- will only pay for so many days. I literally counted the days until the end of a six-month period, when Medicare would again pay for my mother's stay at a mental hospital.

Even those trained to deal with mental illness don't recognize it. Time and again, I would beg them to keep Mom for further evaluation and treatment.

"She's OK," they'd tell me, practically pushing the poor soul on me to take home to wallow in her personal hell.

Except she wasn't. My sweet mother, who only completed the seventh grade and spent her life doing menial jobs to support first her aging parents and then my sister and me, could give an Academy Award-worthy performance in front of others. My aunt and I, however, could look into her eyes and see the troubled soul that lurked underneath. And no matter how much we protested, they continued to tell us she was OK.

We begged her to take her medicines. She wouldn't. We'd rat her out to her doctors. They'd rail. She'd promise to do better. She wouldn't.

That's the roller coaster of mental illness, folks.

And HIPAA -- what a joke. There were times I couldn't talk one-on-one with my mother's caregivers because -- SURPRISE! -- I wasn't listed as one of the people they could talk to. THE WOMAN WAS MENTALLY ILL!!! Putting my name on a form wasn't uppermost on her mind in the river of misery that led her to treatment.

I called health officials and said, "Look -- you can't talk to me; but I can talk to you." And talk I did.

"Please don't let her out."

"Please. I found a noose in her apartment. I'm afraid she'll kill herself."

"She's not taking her medicine."

"She's conning you."

They listened, all right -- they signed release forms and sent her back to continue her path of destruction.

I wrote my congressman and begged him to re-examine the HIPAA law in relation to the mentally ill. He didn't even bother to respond with a form letter thanking me for my interest. Bastard.

The demons that haunted my mother were quieted just over two years ago. It was no thanks to the society that was meant to protect her or any physician or health-care worker who finally saw the light.

My mother took matters into her own hands. One sunny Sunday morning, she pointed a handgun between her breasts and squeezed the trigger.

The woman who gave me life silenced her demons by taking her own. A victim of a system that didn't take her illness seriously.

Now 33 are lost for the same reason. Meredith is outraged -- and so are many others.

Maybe a national outrage will force people to listen. Maybe it will lead to better care for the mentally ill.

It's the prayer I lift while asking for strength for the families of the victims -- including the parents of the gunman.

Unfreakingbelievable

2007-04-16T22:18:00.000-04:00

Thirty-two people dead. Fifteen injured.

Young people on the cusp of their lives who simply woke up/reported for class on campus.

God, what a tragedy.

I personally have never been on the Virginia Tech campus. But one of my best friends and his wife are alums, and they're Hokie faithful. An intern at work completed her schooling there. And its name is displayed prominently in one of the supervisor's office at work -- a supervisor whose child plans to be a second-generation VT grad in the family.

It's sad. Senseless.

My prayers are with the families and friends of those lost. May God give you strength at this difficult time.

What's worse?

2007-04-16T06:24:00.000-04:00

cup of joe powell/ is quickly becoming one of my favorite bloggers.

Today, he has a link to Media Matters.0 In light of the Don Imus situation, they've taken on other talk jocks -- Neil Boortz and Michael Savage among them.

Both of these talk jocks have prominent places on the local NewsTalk lineup. Boortz was on my list the first day I heard him, when he referenced "the Japs." And Savage is offensive every time he opens his mouth.

Media Matters includes e-mail addresses for the talk jocks. I suggest a third: e-mail our own local station and ask that they be taken off the airwaves. Here you go: wnox.news@citcomm.com

Ummmm ... you forgot someone!

2007-04-15T11:55:00.000-04:00

I generally dedicate my Sunday mornings (and sometimes, like today, Sunday afternoons) to catching up on bloggers around me.

I generally leave the computer enlightened, even if I'm not seeking it.

Today's readings generated something interesting from Cup of Joe Powell. He lists the top 10 of Tennessee's "Power 100" from Business Tennessee.

I thought I'd take it a step further, and list some of the ones who might strike a familiar chord in my little corner of the state. (I have to wonder, though, how Coach Phil Fulmer was bested by Dave Cooley. Then again, I wonder why my name wasn't among them!)

For your perusal:

99 Jack Fishman
President, CEO & Publisher • Lakeway Publishers
Flat out the most influential businessman in Morristown but who also has considerable statewide and national reach. Publisher of more than a dozen community papers, magazines and Web sites across East and Middle Tennessee (and Missouri) including The Citizen Tribune in Morristown, The Tullahoma News, The Grundy County Herald of Tracy City, The Herald Chronicle of Winchester, The Manchester Times, and Elk Valley Times of Fayetteville. Member, State Board of Regents (over six universities and 13 community colleges). Director, SunTrust Bank, Morristown, Knoxville. Former Morristown Chamber head who has led local economic development for decades. One of just 22 board members of the Associated Press, the largest and oldest news organization in the world with 243 bureaus in 97 countries. Past president, National Newspaper Association. Director, Newspaper Association of America.

94 Phil Fulmer
Head football coach • University of Tennessee, Knoxville
Recovered from first losing season in 13 years to capture nine victories and a New Year’s Day bowl appearance. Topped it off with a banner recruiting year (top five nationally). Remains an entrenched powerhouse in Big Orange nation leading a football program and financial rainmaker for the university and state that is near and dear to many top Tennessee CEOs and average Tennesseans alike.

84 Lincoln Davis
4th District Congressman
Represents broad swath of rural East Tennessee as member of the new Democratic majority. But makes list more for prowess as a political animal than a policy tool in Washington D.C. Always heavily involved in other people’s campaigns (chaired the recent Ford Jr. for Senate campaign), Davis’ hip-tight relationships with party faithful across state is expected to bolster an eventual gubernatorial run by the former state Senator from Pall Mall.

71 Gerald Boyd
Manager of Oak Ridge Operations • U.S. Department of Energy
Top federal official in Oak Ridge with oversight of all Department of Energy facilities and assets there (as well as contractors UT-Battelle and BWXT). Essentially the CEO of a multi-billion business that contributes mightily to Tennessee’s business success and climate. DOE and its federal contractors represent about 12,000 Tennessee jobs with direct wages and salaries totaling more than $650 million.

48 Bruce Hartmann
President & Publisher • Knoxville News Sentinel
Runs Knoxville News Sentinel, with its circulation of over 121,000 daily and over 153,000 on Sunday. Recently rolled out new monthly business publication in concert with Knox Area Chamber of Commerce. Newest board is Friends of Great Smoky Mountains National Park. Previously chaired Tennessee Theatre Foundation efforts, raising $24 million in restoration funding. Credited with aiding Gov. Bredesen’s surprising win in Knox County in close 2002 election.

47 Jim Cooper
5th District Congressman
Policy co-chair of powerful Blue Dog Coalition comprised of more than 50 deficit-hawkish, socially conservative Democrats now equipped with a lot of bargaining power in the Democratic-controlled House. Member, Armed Services Committee, spearheading call for Iraq war strategy shift. Recently added to congressional watchdog committee, targeting waste and fraud. A highly respected go-to guy for new majority in nation’s Capitol.

44 Jeff Wadsworth
Director • Oak Ridge National Laboratory
Heads globally significant facilities that house the $1.4 billion Spallation Neutron Source, the world’s largest civilian science project; the Department of Energy’s first nanoscience center; and the world’s largest non-classified computer. Under Wadsworth, ORNL has emerged as arguably America’s most relevant National Lab and the preferred location of federal decision makers for important and big dollar scientific endeavors. (Could a more public leading role on alternative fuels research be next?)

40 Mike Ragsdale
Mayor • Knox County
Recently re-elected president, state association of county mayors—an ideal platform to nurse a future gubernatorial run. Lack of personal wealth—though not qualification or personality—needed to be successful in that endeavor may hold him back. Despite recent acrid political environment, has helped turn county around with ability to govern, make friends, accentuate the positive and produce results.

38 Dave Cooley
Principal • Cooley Public Strategies
Political strategy whiz that recently departed post as Tennessee’s Deputy Governor (running day-to-day operations of the $25 billion business that is state government). Gov. Bredesen’s longtime trusted adviser, Cooley has now formed a consulting group attached to Tennessee’s largest public relations firm, McNeely, Pigott & Fox. Well placed outside the administration but with unsurpassed access to it, Cooley’s power remains strong across the state’s business and political spheres.

36 Zach Wamp
3rd District Congressman
While it would be better for Tennessee to have a majority Democrat on the House Appropriations Committee controlling where federal spending goes, that committee is historically less partisan than many, so Wamp’s presence on Tennessee’s behalf remains crucial (consider ongoing Chickamauga Lock funding). Wamp is also revered by East Tennessee leaders, in part for his role in the life of the Tennessee Valley Technology Corridor, a business development phenomenon.

35 Pat Summitt
Lady Vols basketball coach • University of Tennessee, Knoxville
Winningest coach in college basketball history—including Bobby Knight. Cheatham County native who fashioned the template for income-producing women’s college game nationally (and deserves much credit for the viability of the pro women’s game as well). As the genesis of such parity, it is all the more impressive that she remains a top-five program year in and year out. Like Dolly Parton, a recognized Tennessee brand in international circles.

32 Bill Haslam
Mayor of Knoxville
Now three years on the job, the former Pilot Corp. and Saks executive and member of the prominent Haslam family has become a legitimate prospect for governor. With the Haslam family purse strings (and East Tennessee political heft), he would be under any circumstances. Well regarded for business-like approach to running city government. Knoxville is in strong financial shape and increasingly the darling of national business press.

31 Bill Sansom
Chairman & CEO • H.T. Hackney Co.
Owns and runs one of Tennessee’s largest private companies, $3 billion plus, 116-year-old, Knoxville-based wholesale food distribution business (serving 20,000 independent grocers with 25,000 different products). Subsidiaries include bottled water company and furniture manufacturing outfits. New chairman of TVA, the nation’s largest utility, steering it toward a nuclear future. Former state commissioner of transportation and finance. Cross-state public company board service includes Mid-America Apartment Communities, First Horizon and Astec.

30 Jimmy Haslam
CEO • Pilot Corp.
Leading Tennessee’s second largest privately held company, Pilot Corp., 50% owner of the nation’s largest travel center operator. Has grown father’s company to more than 270 locations, and, by introducing fast food partnerships, has become one of America’s largest restaurant franchise operators. Reunited company with Marathon. Purchased Williams Travel Centers. Steadily supplanting father as both the chief business and political fundraising force in East Tennessee.

29 Julius Johnson
Chief administrative officer/lobbyist • Tennessee Farm Bureau
Columbia-based voice of the largest Farm Bureau Federation in the United States based on membership and one of the top insurance companies in Tennessee. As such, steers the most powerful lobby watching over the state’s legislative process and actions of largely rurally elected lawmakers. Represents state’s agricultural sector and its tens of billions of dollars in annual output, now benefiting from over $60 million in state investments in alternative fuels research.

19 Jim Clayton
Founder • Clayton Homes
Legendary Knoxville businessman who sold his manufactured home empire to renowned investor Warren Buffett, grossing $474 million and raising East Tennessee’s business profile in the process. Now having a profound impact on the East Tennessee region via venture capital. Also building a statewide community banking empire, FSB Bancshares. And boldly and profitably consolidating the manufactured housing lending market. Clayton Homes donated tons of mobile homes following Hurricane Katrina disaster.

16 Lamar Alexander
U.S. Senator
Tennessee’s senior senator, though in the minority party. Named to Senate Appropriations Committee determining where federal money flows. Also on the Environment Committee. Crafty politician who will find ways to be a player and affect Tennessee in positive ways despite his minority status. The only Tennessean popularly elected both governor and U.S. Senator. Former U.S. Education Secretary and UT president. Maryville native founded what’s now America’s largest provider of worksite daycare.

14 Dolly Parton
Entertainer & Entrepreneur
Among nation’s most-recognized entertainers (recently awarded nation’s highest arts award, the Kennedy Center Honor), its leading tourism spokesperson and champion of children’s literacy (her Imagination Library program, through which 160,000 kids receive free books monthly, covers Tennessee and increasingly the United States). Businesswoman behind Pigeon Forge’s Dollywood amusement park, Tennessee’s top tourist attraction, drawing over two million visitors annually. Recently pledged $500,000 toward construction of replacement Fort Sanders Sevier Medical Center.

12 Gerald Nicely
Commissioner • Tennessee Department of Transportation
Gov. Bredesen’s right-hand man called on in 2002 to usher in a new era of public interaction and consensus-building at formerly insular TDOT. Tabbed during last year’s highway trooper cronyism scandal as interim director of the Department of Safety. Against the backdrop of aging highways and budget cuts, will influence Bredesen’s policy direction on possible gas taxes, bond measures replacing pay-as-you-go formula or creation of toll roads.

8 James “Big Jim” Haslam II
Chairman • Pilot Corp.
Founded state’s second largest private company, co-owner of the largest operator of highway travel plazas in America and the largest seller of over-the-road diesel fuel. Company employs over 13,000 in 40 states and recently expanded footprint to Canada. Top Tennessee political fundraiser and currently (he is retiring soon) the most powerful University of Tennessee trustee (who gave school $34 million gift last year). Boards include First Horizon and Ruby Tuesday.

7 John Petersen
President • University of Tennessee system
Chief operating officer of geographically diverse, well-staffed, multi-facility University of Tennessee system, making him a rare example of a person whose power is scattered from border to border in Tennessee. Now a few years in the position, and with a bold new strategic mission in place, Petersen is a person whose power is escalating fast as he emerges fully as a voice in statewide political and business circles.

6 Ron Ramsey
Lt. Gov. • State of Tennessee
Blountville Republican who this year amassed the votes needed to at long last topple longtime Tennessee Lt. Gov. John Wilder from his Senate Speaker post. Vast new powers include selecting committee heads, determining the path of Senate legislation and serving as a roadblock to Gov. Phil Bredesen’s legislative agenda where deemed necessary by the GOP. Also appoints (or chooses not to re-appoint) citizen members to influential state boards and commissions.

The Peke and Me

2007-04-15T09:09:00.000-04:00

Allow me to introduce The Man of the House.

I'll marry the first man who looks at me the way this little guy does. You can almost literally see hearts in his eyes.

The little guy is usually where I am in the house. If I'm doing dishes, he's napping underneath the table.

If I'm tidying the living room, he's either in his crate or lounging on the sofa or love seat.

If I'm taking a bath, he's stretched out on a towel in "his shelf" of the towel pantry or, as you can see above, either on or in the bathroom hamper.

Accessibility made it easy to find him the other day, when I finished "Marley and Me." John Grogan's tale of "the worst dog in the world" will make you laugh, appreciate your good dog, and sob uncontrollably.

I really feel that I got to know Marley in the 300-plus pages in which Grogan tells about the start of a family with an anvil-headed yellow pooch in their midst. And, days later, I find myself mourning the loss of the Grogans' family beloved Lab.

It's a must-read, especially if you're a dog lover. Just be sure your pup's nearby for a hug as you read the last pages. You're going to need it.

MarleyAndMe.com

Gee, thanks Mom

2007-04-14T12:31:00.000-04:00

Imagine the scenario:

Your father has been found dead in a house laden with garbage and feces.

Your mother was pulled out alive and is recuperating after being trapped underneath said filth.

Officials have posted the dwelling "unfit for human occupancy."

And then you find out this:

The house will be boarded up, and the woman's relatives will be allowed to go through the contents, authorities said.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/04/14/trapped.woman.ap/index.html?eref=rss_us

Uhhhh ... thanks, but no thanks. Anyone have a match?

There is life after The Bug

2007-04-14T12:21:00.000-04:00

The Bug is bad.

As one who lived to tell the tale, The Bug is debilitating. It's tiring. And it makes you feel like a queen because your new favorite seat is a throne that needs a royal flushing.

It can be beat -- but you'll never recognize that when The Bug is in your life. It turns a heating pad and Pepto into your best friend.

Kaopectate? Kid's stuff. The Bug laughs in its face.

Immodium? Don't waste your money. It's like pouring water onto The Bug.

The one good thing about The Bug is that it lives only about a week. But it's the longest, toughest week of your life.

Bet on it.

OhhhhKaaaaaay ...

2007-04-08T22:23:00.001-04:00

If your mother is 111 years old, is it ever a big shocker when she dies?

Oldest person in Tennessee dies

Marion Stout, the state’s eldest person and a Knoxville resident, passed away Saturday afternoon.
Eleanor Barker, Stout’s middle daughter, confirmed that her mother died at 4:45 p.m. Saturday at Shannondale Health Center in Maryville.
Stout was 111 years old. Barker was with her mother on Saturday.
"No, this was not unexpected," said Barker, 83, of Knoxville.

Heck, if you're 83, is it really unexpected if YOU die?

White rabbits ... and KISS

2007-04-08T10:20:00.000-04:00

The Girl has proclaimed her passion for white chocolate.

Whatever. More of the good stuff for me.

She said weeks ago that she wanted a white chocolate bunny for Easter. Do you know how hard it is to find a white chocolate bunny? Most of them either are "milk flavored" (pass the puke pan, please) or stuffed with peanut butter. The latter sounds like a winner to me, but no go for The Girl, who is a white chocolate purist.

Finally -- FINALLY! -- on Friday, I found it. At Wal-Mart, The Evil Empire (and the closest of any empires to my home). There were two left -- one was broken, the other teetering on its base. I opted for the latter, and paid for the cheap thing.

Yeah, I said cheap. I love a bargain -- except when it comes to chocolate. I'm a chocolate snob. If it's inexpensive, it's most likely lousy chocolate. Experience plays on my side in this.

As Easter morning dawned cold as Christmas and clear, The Girl discovered her Easter basket on the kitchen table. She loved the Little Miss Sunshine DVD, was ecstatic over the black bunny I managed to snag -- and was over the moon giddy about her white chocolate bunny.

Whatever. Pass the Cadbury's, please. And they'd better be milk chocolate.

* * *
When it came to getting rid of Easter eggs -- the real, hard boiled ones, that is -- God said, "Let there be deviled eggs!" (God would never say "stuffed eggs," regardless of what the religious right would have you believe.)

And it came to pass, and they were good.

Then Man (and Woman) started "improving" them.

Like all things Divine, humans have messed up deviled eggs. The simplest culinary concoction there is, and humans have to "perfect" them.

Deviled eggs, in their purest form, are perfect. Like my mother and grandmother, I don't measure anything when it comes to making them, but here's the rough idea:

Desired quantity of hard-boiled eggs
Mustard, to taste
Mayo, to taste
salt, to taste
Paprika

Slice eggs vertically, then scoop out yolks. Smash yolks, adding desired amounts of mustard, mayo and salt. (I go light-handed on the mustard.) Put mashed-up concoction into a Ziploc bag, and snip off one of the corners of the bag. (Cook's note: It's less messy if you snip off a corner where the concoction doesn't lay.) Squirt concoction through snipped corner into hollow egg whites, filling to top. After filled, sprinkle eggs with paprika. Refrigerate, and consume at will.

Now, how hard is that?

I love shrimp, pickle relish, onions, vinegar and other flavorings, but they have no business in deviled eggs. Save the relish and onions for a hot dog, use the vinegar for one of the many reasons God intended, and grill the shrimp on the Barby. Just KISS.

***
Have a blessed Easter, everyone!

You'll shoot your eye out, kid

2007-04-04T23:57:00.000-04:00

I don't know if I can ever forgive Robert Clark for forcing Rhinestone on the world.

The only redeeming value to it was that it starred that other East Tennessee gal, Dolly Parton. I remember watching it at the drive-in and thinking, "What the hell does Sly Stallone think he's doing up there? He can't sing. Heck, he can't really act!"

Pitiful, it was.

I can forgive Clark that one transgression. The man directed "Porky's," after all. Sophomoric though it was, it gave me more than one giggle as I watched it in my youth.

(Why do I all of a sudden want to call a bar and ask for Mike Hunt, a la Bart Simpson? I can hear Moe asking, "Mike Hunt? Is Mike Hunt here? I have a call for Mike Hunt." I'll be damned if I didn't laugh outloud while typing that. See? "Porky's" was good for something.)

But Clark's masterpiece was the holiday classic, "A Christmas Story." Little Ralphie and his Red Ryder are as much a part of Christmas as Santa Claus. I can't even pick my favorite part of that movie ...

The Chinese waiters singing "Fa-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra."
"Oh, fuuuuuuuuuuddgeeeeeee ..."
"It's a major award!"
"You broke it on purpose!"
"It was (gasp!) soap poisoning."
The Bumpuses' dogs (all 17 of 'em) sneaking into the house to scarf down the turkey while Darren McGavin hunches behind his newspaper.
Mrs. Schwartz, though we never see her, screaming, "What!?! What!?!" and pulverizing her son because she thinks he taught Ralphie to use the F-bomb.
And, of course, "You'll shoot your eye out!"

In this house (and many across America) the 24-hour broadcast of "A Christmas Story" is a holiday tradition. I feel my mood shift to blue when I watch the credits roll for the last time, because it means, essentially, that Christmas is over.

Robert Clark, that brilliant mastermind whose direction brought Ralphie to life, was killed with his son today on an LA highway. http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/Movies/04/04/obit.clark.ap/index.html?eref=rss_showbiz.

The father and son lost their lives in a head-on collision with a drunk driver who, of course, sustained minor injuries. Such a sad and senseless end to a man whose leaves a holiday legacy that gives so many a reason to smile.

Thanks for the laughs, Bob. We'll try hard not to shoot our eyes out.

Imagine, if you will ...

2007-04-04T08:38:00.000-04:00

My beautiful, brainy Girl has decided to ditch high school. Her rationale might go something like this:

Mom, there are a lot of things I could do. I could be mayor! Or on city council ... or, if I want it, county mayor someday!

Thanks to those idiots we refer to in nice company as the Tennessee General Assembly, she and other youngsters across the Volunteer State could make such a valid claim. Because those esteemed solons -- the same ones who think some of us love our pets too much -- rejected a bill requiring elected officials to have a high school diploma.

Bill on officials education is killed

Dumbasses. Truly dumbasses.

... critics said the proposed law would undermine voters' rights to choose among a variety of candidates and that education does not necessarily assure quality.
"This is punishing individuals who may not, for whatever reason, have the educational level that someone thinks they ought to have," said Rep. Gary Moore, D-Nashville. "A person's education level, in my opinion, doesn't really hinder the ability to serve."

These legislators have proven time and time again how unimportant education is to them. What the hell is wrong with requiring a high school or GED? I remember one commissioner in my county who couldn't read. Do we really want someone in running or city or county who is unable to read -- let alone understand -- the matters before him?

Further, is this the message we're anxious to send young people? Hey, education is overrated -- you, too, can lead your county! But not on school board or as sheriff. Because:

Under current state law, there are no educational requirements for any officeholders except sheriffs and school board members, who must show they have a high school diploma or a general equivalency diploma.

So, it's OK for the men and women who are setting my tax rate not to have a high school diploma, but the sheriff better have one.

We had a sheriff in my hometown who I know didn't finish high school, yet he solved a murder. They had the accused but lacked the dead bodies. This guy found them. How?

He drove all over the county and watched the skies, looking for buzzard action.

Given my choice, I'll take an educated county mayor over an educated sheriff any day.

New month, new me

2007-04-01T11:44:00.000-04:00

I have decided to give up coffee.

Living life decaffeinated is something I've done before. I tossed out a pot of coffee the morning I found out I was pregnant. I have given up caffeine from time to time in the past for my health. Of course, I abandoned those efforts when my health didn't improve and decided that I only go around once on the merry-go-round of life.

I've also decided that I'm supporting Fred Thompson for president. He's from Tennessee, after all, and heck, I like him on "Law and Order."

And this will probably be the last you see of me for a while, because I've decided I spend too much time on the computer. My housework is suffering. There's entirely too much of a good thing, and I think I've found my limit. Plus, it's mowing season, and I really need to spend time out on the lawn.

I'll miss all of you, but I'll check in from time to time. I love you, and I'll be thinking of you often. And one more thing ...

APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!!! :D

Come on ... did you really think I'd give up coffee or the computer? And Fred Thompson?!? Insert whoop of laughter here. Yeah, like I'm going to vote Republican! Insert snort here. I do like Fred -- on "Law and Order," and I hope he keeps his day job. No foolin'.

It's here!

2007-03-28T22:28:00.000-04:00

The cover for the new Harry Potter! WooooHooooo!

Am I imagining it, or does Harry look a bit like Daniel Radcliffe?

Speechless

2007-03-28T09:06:00.000-04:00

The religious right has a problem with calling deviled eggs by their rightful name? Gimme a break!

the-devils-in-the-details

I would also be remiss if I didn't mention the umbrage that accompanied some e-mails and letters over the satanic moniker. While we assume that's it's a playful reference to the spices, some readers prefer the more church-friendly name of stuffed eggs or dressed eggs.

I've tried every way in the world to PC my reaction, but only one word fits:
Bullshit.

Insert eyeroll here.

Wonder what they call devil's food cake? Deviled ham?

My newest hero

2007-03-28T08:39:00.000-04:00

I'll be watching for Jonathan Alter's byline from now on. He has won my respect.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17821116/site/newsweek/?from=rss

I wouldn't dare judge this couple during this emotional time in their lives. I thank God everyday that cancer is not among the demons that have afflicted my immediate family. But with other demons afloat, I can tell you that normalcy is the one thing you long for when the world is upside down.

Politics and campaigning equal normalcy to the Edwardses. My best friend lost her mother to cancer as she was entering college. She took a year's break from her studies to care for her until the end. (Which was nearer than she thought.)

Another friend recently lost a father to cancer. She worked through until the last week. What else was she going to do? Her thoughts and heart were with her dad every second, but steadily working gave her the comfort "normalcy" offers. (And allowed her to pay the bills. Bill collectors don't care if your father is dying of cancer. They don't care about anything. They're not human, but that's a topic for another day.)

I do not cast my lot with Alter because I support Edwards in this upcoming presidential race. I found out yesterday while listening to NPR that cancer has been found in the liver of Tony Snow, press secretary to the worst president in U.S. history. I gasped, and immediately offered up a prayer for Snow and his family.

Cancer is devastating. I never want that personal experience.

I commend every syllable Alter writes in this piece. The ending, however, is something we should all take to heart:

No one can say how you-or anyone else-will react until actually faced with a devastating diagnosis. In my case-and Tony Snow's, Laura Ingraham's, Jay Monahan's (the late husband of Katie Couric) Elizabeth Edward's and hundreds of thousands of others-the choice was to try to hold onto as much of our old life as humanly possible. Don't judge that.

Some things just weren't meant to be

2007-03-26T14:58:00.000-04:00

Like this:

Wine-flavored ice-cream-for adults only/

My stomach is churning at the mere thought of it.

Then, there's this:

Pungent pulp: Panda poop perfect for paper

I'm all for recycling, but UGH! Read on:

The base is in talks with several paper mills on how to turn the droppings of Jing Jing, Ke Bi, Ya Ya and dozens of other pandas at the base into reams of office paper and rolls of wrapping paper, Liao said.

Why, yes, Mr. Insert-Boss'-name-here, I did think your latest memo was a piece of shit.
What kind of shit did you wrap this gift in?

And there's more:

The Chiang Mai Zoo in northern Thailand already sells multicolored paper made from the excrement produced by its two resident pandas. Making paper there involves a daylong process of cleaning the feces, boiling it in a soda solution, bleaching it with chlorine and drying it under the sun.

What shades of multi-colors? Beige, brown, tan, yellow and, for the really environmentally conscious, green.

Why should we limit this to pandas? I have a dog -- and he's Chinese. Maybe I could make a killing off Pekingese poop!

I'm taking orders now. Be sure to indicate the amount of paper and color desired. Refer to the above for available shades. Just for taking advantage of this one-time offer, I'll throw in some oceanfront property in Montana and a set of Ginzu knifes, absolutely free!

No CODs, please.

(Advisory: The preceding was an attempt at sarcasm. Any similarities to an actual advertisement for feces paper is intentional with tongue firmly planted in cheek and clothespin tightly clamped to nose.)

Where is the love?

2007-03-26T14:04:00.000-04:00

For Justin Timberlake, it's not in the Tennessee General Assembly.

Republicans put brakes on plan to honor Timberlake

I'm no Justin fan, but I can't deny he's at top form in his genre. It's not like they're applauding his part in The Great Superbowl Wardrobe Malfunction -- they're simply saying, "Hey, Justin: Good work on the pop front. See ya!"

On the other hand, get a load of Ophelia Ford's resolution. I picture the walls of her office and bedroom plastered with pinups of Justin from butchered copies of Tiger Beat and Bop. Can we say, "Oh Juuuuuuuuustinnnnn!" Insert high-pitched scream here.

Complete text of the state Senate resolution to honor Justin Timberlake

Do it, then I'll consider your words

2007-03-26T13:23:00.000-04:00

The editor of one of our state's major papers has decided he's an expert at firefighting.

McElroy: This smoke should be investigated

I'm no expert, either, but after living with a firefighter for more than a decade, I think its safe to say that I have a bit more insight than Mr. McElroy. I wonder what makes him think the issue is NOT under investigation? Just because the fire department is not showing him all its cards doesn't mean it's not playing the game.

Yes, mistakes were made. Those men have probably chastised themselves time and again for those mistakes. It's easy to sit here, one month later, and rationalize over the should haves and could haves, but the simple fact is that we -- McElroy and I -- were not there in the heat of the moment, when critical decisions must be made.

Further, according to McElroy:

The fire, thought to be controlled after gutting two warehouses, burst into flames again hours after the first alarm, destroying a third downtown building.

Reigniting hot spots are not uncommon in any fire -- be it a simple practice of leaf burning or a major catastrophe, such as the McClung blaze. Frankly, I would have been surprised if there hadn't been any reigniting. Many times, firefighters babysit a scene for hours to watch for any signs of rekindling. Anyone who monitors a police scanner -- which, I'm assuming, the News Sentinel does -- is aware of that.

These firefighters have no harsher critics than themselves. It would serve this editor well to acknowledge his lack of expertise in firefighting and put his attention back into the newsroom.

Sunday musings

2007-03-25T22:03:00.001-04:00

I like quiet Sundays like this one. They give me a chance to sit back and reflect.

My Girl is growing up way too fast. She issued me one of my toughest periods of motherhood yet last week. I long for her to be small again so I can cradle her in my arms and protect her from the world, yet I'm anxious to see the woman she'll become.

She's such a study in contrasts, that Girl of mine. She flirts with the "emoness" of her generation while setting her sights on Oxford. She's confident in her unique sense of style, yet longs to fit in. She's an interesting blend of her father and me who maintains individuality.

In the midst of giving me about 500 new grey hairs this week, she gave me one of the greatest gifts ever. She asked me to check out her "new and improved" MySpace. I admired her new name, choice of music and told her, to her chagrin, that I agree with her father about her background and that maybe she'd like to choose a new one.

And then I saw it -- in the "heroes" category, first on the list, is "my mom."

My eyes filled with tears. "Really?!?"

She showed me that smile -- the one that extends all the way to her eyes. "I can't believe you didn't know," she said. "You're so strong in the way you handle things."

She's my miracle -- my life's true joy.

Where do I sign up?

2007-03-21T09:28:00.000-04:00

Can anyone out there in cyberspace tell me how I can apply for a position with the Center for Science in the Public Interest?

For those unfamiliar, this posturing organization has taken us to task for at least a decade over the foods we eat. That's OK -- I know I put empty calories and nutritionally lacking food in my mouth daily.

What I don't get is their reports. The contents of said reports are presented as if they are earth-shattering information. They are earth shattering only if you're a buffoon.

(Aside to buffoons: The preceding remark was not meant as a slam to you.)

I wrote a newspaper column several years ago about one of their reports: breakfast foods are bad for you. Now tell me, who doesn't know that?

They're at it again. Note the following headline:

Chinese restaurant food draws criticism

Does it have bugs in it? No. They really use cats in their General Tso's? Nada. My ex was really correct when he dubbed skewered teriyaki chicken "rat on a schtick"? Not even close.

The revelation, and I quote the AP article's lede, in part:

The typical Chinese restaurant menu is a sea of
nutritional no-nos

I think my eyes rolled into the next county. No shit, Sherlock! It's bad for you? Who knew?!?

Bonnie Liebman, the consumer group's nutritional director, has uncovered that Chinese food is laden with -- are you ready for this? -- SODIUM!

What rock has Bonnie been living under? EVERYBODY knows the stuff has a ton of sodium! My 13-year-old knows it. My Pekingese knows it, and not because he's Chinese.

How the hell could you NOT know?

Bonnie the Dietary Goddess acknowledges that Chinese restaurants have many veggie offerings, but that's not necessarily a good thing because -- I know you've been on the edge of your seat -- they're loaded with calories and sodium, too!

Per AP:

"We were shocked. We assumed the vegetables were all
low in calories," Liebman said.

(Note to Bonnie: You need to use some of the money from your next CSPI paycheck to buy a clue.)

I'm not sure what's worse: A consumer group that's obviously filled with crackpot "experts" or media groups such as the Associated Press for giving them attention.

There go those rolling eyes, again. Maybe somebody in Cumberland County can catch them for me?

This is so cool!

2007-03-17T11:12:00.000-04:00

Mood music! :)

http://www.musicovery.com/index.php?ct=us

I salute Scott Fahlman

2007-03-17T10:48:00.000-04:00

Who's Scott Fahlman? You may not recognize his name, but anyone who is the least bit Internet savvy knows his symbol is more popular than the one Prince tried on several years ago.

Still don't know who he is? Let me give you a hint:

:)

Fahlman is the guy who suggested combining the colon with a closing parenthesis to create the smiley emoticon popularly used by all us Web geeks today. LOL takes a back seat to :), an easy ending to a statement to show the mood of the author.

Smiley's brother ;) is also popular, but it's Smiley himself who marks a landmark anniversary this week.

After all, the phenomenon is about to turn 25--a dinosaur
in Web years. The origin of the ASCII smiley face is typically traced to September 1982, when Scott
Fahlman, a research professor at Carnegie Mellon University's Department of
Computer Science, suggested that the :-) symbol be used in
the subject line of an online bulletin board post to denote a humorous or
non-serious topic.
"Nobody ever guessed that this would catch on. I certainly
didn't," said Fahlman, who is still on the faculty at Carnegie Mellon. But as he
recounted, the trend spread, initially to other Internet-pioneering universities
like Stanford University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and then
beyond.
"As the Internet grew, it escaped this little closed community of
computer scientists and made it into first other universities, a much larger
group, and then out into the general public," Fahlman said. "It's been
interesting to see (smiley faces) trickle from place to place, and now it's
showing up in postings from Russia and China and all over the world. It's been
fun to watch that."
Essentially, the emoticon proliferated along with the
Internet itself.
"For people who first get into it, it's like they know the
password to the secret club," Fahlman said. But now that emoticons have spread
into every niche of Net culture and morphed into myriad (arguably irritating)
spinoffs, that sense of exclusivity has lost some of its luster. "It's kind of
pathetic when the 'in group' is sort of half the world," Fahlman observed. "But
originally, people were using these because it was some cool thing and it showed
that you were a real expert user of the Internet, that you knew the secret
language."

The Web smiley's motto: Grin and bear it CNET:

To Scott Fahlman, I salute you -- and I resist using those dopey cartoonish icons.

:)

Can you believe it?

2007-03-17T09:52:00.000-04:00

Key players in the Anna Nicole saga have finally -- FINALLY -- decided it's best to STFU.

Smith's ex in 'happy mood' after hearing

By JESSICA ROBERTSON, Associated Press
Writer
Sat Mar 17, 12:16 AM ET
A former boyfriend of
Anna Nicole Smith who claims to be the father of her daughter expressed optimism
following a court hearing Friday. But both he and the late model's mother, who
is also seeking custody of the girl, refused to discuss the case.
Larry
Birkhead, a California-based photographer seeking custody of Smith's baby girl,
Dannielynn, said he was "in a happy mood" after the hearing but others were not
as pleased with developments inside the courtroom.
"There were different
moods for different people. I'm in a happy mood but I can't speak for anyone
else," Birkhead said.
Virgie Arthur, mother of the 39-year-old reality TV
star and former Playboy Playmate, and her attorneys left the Superior Court
building without speaking. She wants to take the girl from Smith's live-in
companion, Howard K. Stern, arguing she could provide a more stable
home.
Stern, who is listed as Dannielynn's father on the Bahamian birth
certificate, did not attend the hearing.
The court clerk's office closed near
the hearing's end and nobody was available to answer questions about the
proceedings in the three-way custody dispute.
The fight for custody of the
infant, who could potentially inherit millions of dollars from her late mother's
estate, began after Smith, 39, died of unknown causes Feb. 8 in
Florida.
Meanwhile, a hearing on an ownership dispute concerning the house
where Smith lived in the Bahamas was adjourned until April, according to an
attorney for South Carolina developer G. Ben Thompson.
Thompson, who briefly
dated Smith, says he advanced her money for the $900,000 house but she did not
honor an agreement to repay the debt. Smith, who lived there with Stern in the
months before her death, claimed the house was a gift.
Stern, has remained at
the gated house known as "Horizons" with Smith's daughter.

It embarrasses me to confess my fascination with the Anna Nicole saga. Like most "celebrities," her 15 minutes of fame were up years ago. But, hey, it's better than reading about Mangelina Whorlie and her kid collection, Paris Hilton's sex tapes, anything Jessica Simpson (WTH was Nick Lachey thinking? I gave John Mayer more credit than this, too), and minute-by-minute reports on Britney's baldness and rehab. (Leave the girl alone already!)

I think Howard loved Anna, and part of that love was enabling her. It's not pleasant, but he's not the first enabler in the name of love. Heck, my own grandmother did it. This purely Southern Baptist liquor-and-drugs-are-the-root-of-all-evil lady would mortgage her house to get her drunken and drug-addled son out of the slammer. Discussions about him were the only times I ever heard my grandparents argue. (Grandpa felt, rightly so, that he should be left to cool his heels for a while. Grandma didn't want Her Baby amongst the "hardened criminals." Grandpa always gave in.)

I'm rooting for Howard Marshall to be little Dannielynn's dad. But I'm almost positive it's Larry Birkhead. Anyone have photos of him prior to his rhinoplasty? He looks a bit like my Pekingese now.

And Virgie -- go home! Anna didn't like you, and neither do I.

Oh, God -- SHUT UP!

2007-03-15T22:21:00.001-04:00

Am I the only homo sapien on the planet who is sick to death of seeing, hearing and/or reading about Angelina Whorlie and her escapades?

Am I the only one who thinks she should start collecting stamps, thimbles, salt and pepper shakers -- ANYTHING but children?!?

Damn. Who'd have ever thunk that Billy Bob would turn out to be the sane one?

Throwing Like a Girl

Hell has no fire ...

La. father accused of killing son owed $4K

Who have you had your fill of?

Happy 2009!

Weighing in

I am heartbroken

*Real* journalists? Pffft!

I Will Always Love You

Listen ...

With apologies to William Penn

AFK ... or, It's Always #$%@^% Hot in Tennessee

Hogwarts revisited

Speechless

The Evil Empire, indeed

Dudes, c'mon ...

From one single mom to another ...

Give her a break

The Worst Day of the Year

Another weekend with Harry

All done!

Damn ...

Itchy teeth

"Succeeding is the most important thing"

How to waste time without really trying

Potpourri

At peace

I'm in love!

Why am I not surprised?

Getting old sucks

Happy birthday! Or ... WWJD?

Which is cheaper?

Brilliant ... just brilliant

Soaring with the eagles

The Evil Empire

Her e-mail isn't working

So you think you know The Boy Who Lived?

Testing, testing ...

Incredible

Welcome to the club!

Happy birthday, Grandpa!

She's full of excrement

I heart Mike Luckovich

I'm not alone

Back atcha, babe

Men's Health

Can't believe I did that

To the grandmother of my progeny

It was 40 years ago today ...

Got class?

Thursday haiku ... and other ramblings

Does anyone ...

Human-interest story

Another "atta girl"

A man with a plan

Am I the only one?

Kudos to Tootie!

I hate UT sports

Smells like Kurt's spirit

You've got to be there!

Should it stay, or should it go?

Lowering the standards

Would that be a full moon or a new moon?

Insert shriek here

Sophomoric potpourri

Outrage

Unfreakingbelievable

What's worse?

Ummmm ... you forgot someone!

The Peke and Me

Gee, thanks Mom

There is life after The Bug

OhhhhKaaaaaay ...

White rabbits ... and KISS

You'll shoot your eye out, kid

Imagine, if you will ...

New month, new me

It's here!

Speechless

My newest hero

Real journalists? Pffft!

This is so cool!