Men's Health

Apparently, Men's Health magazine decided I have a subscription.

I ask you, WHY would I subscribe to Men's Health? I am not a man. The only male in my life is a 4-year-old Pekingese, and while he's adorable, the only use he'd have for Men's Health is to chew on its pages and maybe provide me with paper should he have an accident.

I found a toll-free number inside the magazine, so I called to cancel my "subscription." (I'm still rolling my eyes. Ye gads!)

I'm probably going to give the two issues they kindly sent yesterday to a co-worker. Lord knows I don't need them -- well, unless the dog has the aforementioned accident, and there's plenty of unsolicited junk mail lying around here to take care of that.

Can't believe I did that

I spent the better part of yesterday evening surfing the Internet looking for Paris Hilton footage.

I know! It's bad! I'm dying of shame here.

I despise Paris Hilton. I disliked her even before she decided she was above the law and too privileged to read her own mail. That haughty "I'm-so-rich-my-feces-doesn't-stink" look always makes me want to slap her, if for nothing else because she'd be disgusted because a middle-class peon touched her. I'd have disinfectant handy, of course -- for me.

The fact that she went kicking and screaming back to jail made my day. (OK, it was a high -- finding my favorite slacks in my size after searching in three cities made my day.)

However, that might have even been replaced had I been able to see Paris screaming, Mooooom! It's not right!

I guess I'll have to live with the descriptions because apparently there were no cameras in the courtroom.

I applaud Judge Michael Sauer in sending her skanky ass back to the slammer. Sheriff Lee Baca should be ashamed of himself.

Would that be a full moon or a new moon?

Oh dear Lord. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse with those buffoons who collectively call themselves the Tennessee General Assembly.

It seems now that, at the behest of the Shelby County Sheriff's Office, the great solons are looking to pass a bill to make it a misdemeanor for prisoners to expose their buttocks. Mooning, as you will.

I have a lot of questions about this one. What if Byron "Low-Tax" Looper decides to drop his drawers? He's a lifer; what the hell does he care if he gets slapped with a misdemeanor?

The great lawmakers have pointed out that there are now a lot of female corrections officers who are getting exposed. Ummmm ... isn't that one of the casualties of the job? (And no, I'm not a corrections officer, nor do I care to be one. I see lots of asses daily without having someone show me theirs.)

One of my former co-workers used to expose his ass to us on a daily basis. His jeans were baggy, and it was nothing for us to look over and see a whole new ... uhh ... side of J. Should he get a misdemeanor charge? I'm a female, and it was a sight I sure as hell didn't want to see.

But you've got to see this. You can't make this stuff up.

Some things just weren't meant to be

Like this:

Wine-flavored ice-cream-for adults only/

My stomach is churning at the mere thought of it.

Then, there's this:

Pungent pulp: Panda poop perfect for paper

I'm all for recycling, but UGH! Read on:

The base is in talks with several paper mills on how to turn the droppings of Jing Jing, Ke Bi, Ya Ya and dozens of other pandas at the base into reams of office paper and rolls of wrapping paper, Liao said.

• Why, yes, Mr. Insert-Boss'-name-here, I did think your latest memo was a piece of shit.
• What kind of shit did you wrap this gift in?

And there's more:

The Chiang Mai Zoo in northern Thailand already sells multicolored paper made from the excrement produced by its two resident pandas. Making paper there involves a daylong process of cleaning the feces, boiling it in a soda solution, bleaching it with chlorine and drying it under the sun.

What shades of multi-colors? Beige, brown, tan, yellow and, for the really environmentally conscious, green.

Why should we limit this to pandas? I have a dog -- and he's Chinese. Maybe I could make a killing off Pekingese poop!

I'm taking orders now. Be sure to indicate the amount of paper and color desired. Refer to the above for available shades. Just for taking advantage of this one-time offer, I'll throw in some oceanfront property in Montana and a set of Ginzu knifes, absolutely free!

No CODs, please.

(Advisory: The preceding was an attempt at sarcasm. Any similarities to an actual advertisement for feces paper is intentional with tongue firmly planted in cheek and clothespin tightly clamped to nose.)