Who have you had your fill of?

E! Online has a poll asking which celebs should endure through 2009. Of course I took it, and my choices seemed to reflect the majority, with two exceptions:

1. I'm tired of Britney already. I'm glad the pieces of her life seem to be falling into place, and I hope she stays healthy and happy. But step outta the spotlight, girl!

2. Suri Cruise. She's cute as hell, but do we really need to know when she and her mom go to Toys 'R' Us? Or that she had her bangs trimmed? Even as much as I detest Brad and Angelina, their kids seem ... well, to be as normal as one could expect from flea-infested parents.

Here's more about people I want to see less of:

-- Paris Hilton. She's ugly as hell, and even more shallow.

-- Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. Who the fresh hell ARE these people? And why the fresh hell are they famous? Get them out of my magazines and off of my Internet and let them rot away like the stupid nobodies they are.

-- Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo. Who cares?

-- Tom Brady and what's-her-face. See above. Except I would like to see Brady publicly flogged for running out on his child. Now THAT I would pay good money to read!

-- Brad and Angelina. And Jennifer Aniston's name with theirs. How long has it been since they divorced? Let it go, people.

-- Amy Winehouse. My toilet backing up makes a more joyful noise. And does she remind anyone else of an ugly, nasty version of Janice from Friends? I don't care if she's flunking rehab. I don't care if her husband was arrested again ... and again. I. Don't. Care. Got it?

-- Madonna. I was tired of that cone-wearing trollop back in the '80s, even before "Like a Virgin." I've often wondered why she made it big and Cyndi Lauper didn't, especially since I think Cyndi could stretch $10 farther at a rummage sale. Shoot, I'd give Heidi Montag a break if she could bargain hunt. Maybe.

-- Tom Cruise. Would somebody give him some vitamins, already?!?

-- Anybody whose surname is "Lohan." I'm looking at you, Michael and Dina.

-- Pregnant celebs. It's as if the rest of us don't reproduce. (Jennifer Garner is one of the exceptions.) And enough of the magazine covers of people like Christina Aguilera and their newborn spawn. And speaking of Christina ...

-- Cutesy, puke-ass nicknames. Really, is it all that difficult to type a few more letters? Enough already with Xtina. LiLo, Speidi and RPattz. (The nickname on the latter, not the guy. One can never have too much Rob Pattinson.)

I'm sure I'll think of more as the year progresses ... and I'm sure I'll bore you to tears with them.

Dudes, c'mon ...

... it's Pamela Anderson you're fighting over. I mean, seriously, ewwwwww.

Forget the tramp and move on.

Tommy Lee, Kid Rock brawl at VMAs

From one single mom to another ...

You go, girl!

Britney Spears has struck some nerves. And I like it.

Usually, she gets on my last nerve, too. I miss the cute Brit who made videos in pigtails and had us wondering if she had breast-augmentation surgery at 17. Her appearance on SNL was classic!

Believe me, I'm the first to jump on the bandwagon bashing Ms. Spears. Her parenting skills -- what does it say about you when the world is rooting for KFed to get custody? The head shaving (dumb) ... the umbrella wielding (stupid) ... the extensions (are you kidding me?).

However, I won't deny her name has drawing power. So in a marketing move that should be surprising to nobody, they signed her to open this year's VMAs.

I didn't see it. I don't want to, and not just because it's The Slutty Ms. B. I despise those shows, period. I saw her with the snake wrapped around her years ago, and who could forget the Madonna kiss? (Anyone remember she also kissed Christina Aguilera? That seems to be forgotten in the telling.)

All those clips were shown ad nauseum on the news the next day. I'm sure if I bothered to switch on the TV right now, I'd find footage of the black-sparkly-bra-and-panty-clad Ms. B prancing around on stage.

What brings me to her defense, however, are two of her detractors, via E! News:

"I can’t believe she would perform. She hasn’t had a hit record in years," a slighted-sounding Kanye West, whose eagerly anticipated Graduation drops Tuesday, said Saturday night at a Rolling Stone party. "Maybe my money's not right. Maybe my skin's not right."

Memo to Mr. West: Maybe your name's not Britney Spears! While I might -- and that's a big might -- turn on the TV to check out Brit, I wouldn't walk across the street to see you in person. For free. And it's not the color of your skin OR your money. I think you're an asshole. Period.

While I have heard of Brit, the first time I ever heard of you was when you made an ass of yourself during that benefit for Katrina. It's too bad the only way you can earn name recognition is by spewing controversy.

Then there's his opening statement. The Beatles haven't had a hit record in years, either. When you're an icon, it doesn't matter. When you're a nobody, you gotta grab headlines any way you can.

And now it's time for the second detractor:

The Foo Fighters' Dave Grohl wasn't exactly waiting with bated breath, either.
"You know those things that you put batteries in and they just vacuum the floor without anyone touching them? That’s what I think of Britney Spears," said the rocker, whose band held court at the cleverly named Hotel Party #3,562, where they performed their new tune, "The Pretender ...

I'm not an advocate of censoring, but the Foo Fighters' stand on AIDS prompted me to ban their music and videos from my house. At least Brit's not spewing falsehoods that could cost her fans their lives. Go fuck yourself.

So keep singing, Ms. B. But ease up on the partying and put your kids in child-restraint seats in the car. And, for God's sake, put on some clothes! You can afford it.

Potpourri

John Mark Karr has been arrested for battery, apparently stemming from an argument with his girlfriend.

Girlfriend? HELLO?!?

How desperate are you for a man if you think hooking up with this deviant is a good idea? I can hear it now ... "I know he confessed to brutally killing a little girl in Colorado, and he married two teenagers -- one of them 13 -- and he's been arrested for possession of child pornography, and he's been known to have a weird penchant for young girls ... but Daddy, I LOVE HIM!"

Ewwwwwwwww ... I think I need a shower now.

***

I don't give a damn how much John Edwards pays for a haircut, and I don't know why anyone else does.

The man is stinking rich! If he wants to spends $1,250 or more for a coiffure, go for it. It's not like he's taking food out of the mouths of starving babes. And, hey, it beats the hell out of spending more money than either Edwards or I will see in our lifetimes on a war with a country that has nonexistent weapons of mass destruction. Note: The latter is funded with taxpayer money, while Edwards' high-dollar haircuts are not.

It's not how I'd spend my money, but, hey, it's not my money. And he does have good hair. It's better than Rudy or Fred's. Hell, it's better than Hillary's -- and I like Hillary.

***

Congrats to Eva Longoria and Tony Parker. Now go away.

You got married yesterday. So what? Lots of other folks did, too. You're no Charles and Diana -- or Charles and Camilla, for that matter.

Remember, Charles and Diana had "the wedding of the century" and later divorced. My money's on the same fate for you.

***

Does anybody really care that Clay Aiken got into a tussle with a woman on an airplane?

***

Anyone who hears me speak knows I have a Mouth from the South. If you haven't heard me, think Clay Aiken or John Edwards. We have very similar dialects.

Not only does my Mouth from the South carry that lilt, it also, at no warning, will refer to you as "honey," "sweetie" or "dear." In the South, that's as involuntary as breathing. The staff at work from time to time have all been one of the above. Heck, I even STILL call The Ex "honey."

I bet Jan Hicks does and did, too. Unfortunately, the former assistant district attorney was censured by the Board of Professional Responsibility for referring to a judge as "honey."

I'm unfamiliar with Hicks both personally and by reputation, but I sympathize with her. I know such terms of endearment could be perceived badly in a courtroom setting. But come on! This isn't "Law and Order." It's the South -- it's Tennessee.

And honey, it's just the way we talk.

She's full of excrement

No way in hell would I sign that joke Angelina Whorlie's attorney is passing off as a media contract to interview his client and her concubine, Brad's the Pitts. Furthermore, any editor and/or publisher should be fired and shamed out of the profession if they affix their names to such a document.

Shame on you, Whorlie! This is even a low step for you, you brother-kissing, blood-vial-wearing, husband-stealing, calling-your-baby-a-blob piece of shit.

And people wonder why I won't give you or your films the time of day. Stop the bullshit, and go tend to your flock. They need a mother.

And stop collecting them. Stamps are for collecting, children are not. You, my dear, are no Mia Farrow. You'll never see the day when you're good enough to scrub Mia Farrow's toilet.

Can't believe I did that

I spent the better part of yesterday evening surfing the Internet looking for Paris Hilton footage.

I know! It's bad! I'm dying of shame here.

I despise Paris Hilton. I disliked her even before she decided she was above the law and too privileged to read her own mail. That haughty "I'm-so-rich-my-feces-doesn't-stink" look always makes me want to slap her, if for nothing else because she'd be disgusted because a middle-class peon touched her. I'd have disinfectant handy, of course -- for me.

The fact that she went kicking and screaming back to jail made my day. (OK, it was a high -- finding my favorite slacks in my size after searching in three cities made my day.)

However, that might have even been replaced had I been able to see Paris screaming, Mooooom! It's not right!

I guess I'll have to live with the descriptions because apparently there were no cameras in the courtroom.

I applaud Judge Michael Sauer in sending her skanky ass back to the slammer. Sheriff Lee Baca should be ashamed of himself.

Sophomoric potpourri

... because we need a little levity after a sad week.

***
Here's my advice to Ireland Baldwin:

The next time your daddy calls you, tell him this:

I'm rubber; you're glue
What you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

I say this because that insipid phone call Alec Baldwin made to his daughter conjures up descriptives for him that he used for his 11-year-old daughter.

Namely pig, idiot, ass.

I never liked Baldwin, but he's officially off my list. He joins Tom Cruise, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt in the Hall of Shame; i.e., works banned from my house because they're complete idiots.

Dammit. I really like "30 Rock."

***
So Larry Birkhead has evoked the masses by accepting cash from OK! magazine for an article and photos of him and daughter Dannielynn.

My take? Good for him!

Raising kids is damned expensive. So are legal fees to fight grandmother-cum-sow Virgie Arthur for custody of his child.

And, not to diss Larry's profession, but when have you ever seen his name in a photo credit?

My fervent wish is for Larry to be able to raise Dannielynn away from the bright lights of Hollywood and the vultures circling for a piece of what she could inherit from her mother, Anna Nicole Smith.

I still kind of feel sorry for Howard, though. He's kind of grown on me. You know, like a pet rat. You're disgusted at first, then it sort of starts to look cute.

***
Mary Winkler did it, but she's off with a manslaughter charge and could face no more time incarcerated.

I've always believed there was more to the Winkler story, and I still do. I believe she was abused, and that he was a difficult man to live with.

I also believe, contrary to what others are posting, that she could have fired the gun without meaning to. I know nothing about guns, nor do I want to. I wouldn't know how to load one, or how to check if it was. Consequently, I also wouldn't know if the safety was on or even where the safety is.

I've only held a gun maybe twice. (C'mon, this is The South -- most men, including my daddy, grandpa and the one I used to live with, pack heat.) It only seems natural, in my opinion only, to rest your finger near the trigger while you hold it.

As for the phone cord being yanked out? Isn't it possible that he yanked it out to keep her from calling for help?

I wish Mary Winkler godspeed and a way to deal with the rest of her life. Good luck.